In fact, we actually think she’s outdone herself this time.
According to Gwyneth, it’s ‘time to give that liver a break’ (WHY? Surely we need to slowly wean ourselves off mulled wine?) and cleanse our bodies of ‘heavy metals, fire retardants, and pesticides’.
Right.
We wouldn’t want you to have to read the whole thing, it makes you feel SO unhealthy, so we’ve done it for you and put together the best five bits you NEED to know.
Say goodbye to ALL nice foods…
Remember all the yummy food you ate over Christmas? Banish those thoughts FOREVER and as Gwyneth advises, stick to this plan.
“As always, the rules are simple (but tough). Just say no to: alcohol, caffeine, added sugar, gluten, dairy, soy, corn, and nightshades (white, blue, red, and yellow potatoes, tomatoes, eggplant).”
Egg and chips is off the menu then. And, erm, everything we like.
Kick start with a colonic…
That’s right, according to Gwynnie we’re all a bit bunged up from the jumbo selection boxes we’ve snaffled.
“You want to keep your digestive system moving, so drink plenty of water (hot water in the morning is key), and think about kicking the week off with a colonic—they definitely get things going,” writes Gwyneth.
“We also try to get to the spa for a handful of treatments: Anything that gets the lymphatic system moving is clutch, and IR [infrared] saunas are particularly great (and effective) as sweat is one of our body’s most effective means for flushing toxins.”
So, flush out everything from your body. EVERYTHING.
Break up with your piggy bank...
Detoxing isn’t cheap, right? Right, and the Goop one definitely isn’t.
In fact, with all the health spas and sauna’s Gwyneth says we should visit to help flush out the stagnant sugars hiding in our armpits (and arse) we think we need to take out a loan.
And don’t forget the cost of some of the food options. Gwyneth says: “Dr. Junger’s 21-Day Clean Program is a great option, since it’s two shakes per day (breakfast, dinner) with a clean lunch in between that’s easy to source from a salad bar.”
FYI, Dr. Junger’s 21-Day Clean Programme costs $425. Maybe we’ll just eat dust.
The Goop detox is for life, not just for after Christmas...
Yes, ‘binge cleansing is no better than binge dieting’ apparently.
To add some weight to her argument, Gwyenth asked environmental thought leader (NOT a joke title) Bruce Lourie to give her readers some advice and luckily, you can have a ‘breakdown’, just not every day.
“We basically go crazy for 48 hours doing something that we couldn’t possibly sustain on a regular basis, then go back to our unhealthy lifestyle,” Bruce told Gwyn.
“Break down and have some yummy barbecue ribs and fries if you must. But make that the exception. Or maybe a cheese platter is your big weakness. As long as it isn’t a daily cheese platter.”
But we LOVE cheese...
Oh, and Gwyneth is considering moving into a gym...
Yes, enough of actual detoxing tips – the best news is that Gwyneth is musing over actually moving into a gym.
“The Springs LA, a beautiful new wellness center in a warehouse in downtown LA where the practitioners were remarkable and I grabbed delicious vegan snacks on the way out – I may move in there,” she wrote.
Send us a postcard, Gwyn.