Cheryl Fernandez-Versini nee Cole nee Tweedy cares about you. Like, really* really* cares. So much so, that yesterday she took to the internet - as one is wont to do - to ask her fans about what exciting news they would like to receive from her in a sort of literally shoving-words-in-the-horse's-mouth way.
While most of the 2900 commenters on Facebook were happy to surmise/rumour monger that Miss Cheryl was preggers, some were not. Some preferred to get more creative with what exciting news they'd like to receive from Chez. Well, you would. Here are our favourites:
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You would love to pay off my mortgage
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You're going to cover my shift at the chippy?
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"Here's a cheque for 4.5million"
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You have just farted and followed through
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You've posted your pants to me - ideally first class but I would be just as excited if it was 2nd class
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Simon has tea bagged you for being annoying
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That you are really a man
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That your tattoo was a wind up and you've peeled it off
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You're having a lesbian affair with Cher Lloyd
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"I have just transferred 500k to your bank account"
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That the fog on the Tyne is all mine.
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You like picking your nose and throwing at people.
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That you somehow grew a 6th toe on your left foot.
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You're buying NUFC.
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That Scotland is still British after the referendum.
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Cured cancer.
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Ur movin to the moon.
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That you punched Simon Cowell in the mouth.
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You are packing the limelight and glamour for a job in Morrisons doing the checkouts.
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You wanted to be a nun.
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The date to Nicola Roberts' second album.
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That you've got a song with Beyonce.
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Every war from now on would be prevented.
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I've won a BMW mini diesel sport cabriolet.
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That I have won the euro lotto.
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That ur comin to do your shopping in Home Bargains.
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You would like to clean the outside windows of The Shard.
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You're buying a new fridge.
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You have got me a new car.
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Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh just got married.
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I passed my exam.
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You would pay off my mortgage now that would be nice.
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That you are going to Thorpe Park today.
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That you are going to adopt me.
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That you are popping round for a cuppa.
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You would like to buy me a PS4 with Fifa 15.