Bob Geldof confirms new Band Aid single will be about Ebola. Yep

Prepare to bleed out of your ears news now, and – oh, hang on, our editor’s saying something. Oh. Apparently we can’t use the bleeding ears joke because the subject we’re writing about is actually really sombre and worthy, and also about Ebola. So. Sorry. No more bleeding orifice jokes from us.

So Sir Bob Geldof has confirmed today that the upcoming Band Aid single scheduled to come out before Christmas will feature Adele, Sam Smith, Olly Murs, Ellie Goulding, Paloma Faith, Bastille and Jessie Ware among others, and everyone’s getting together THIS SATURDAY to record it.

Appearing at Microsoft's Future Decoded conference in London today, the Boomtown Rats frontman and Ultravox's Midge Ure revealed that the charity single’s lyrics will be tweaked to fit the new theme. Imagine that. Imagine dinner lady-faced Sam Smith warbling about face masks and ZMapp.

Ed Sheeran and Emeli Sande will also contribute to the track, along with Chris Martin and MAYBE, MAYBE One Direction. Harry Styles rapping about rubber gloves and the importance of washing your hands properly. IMAGINE.

Incredibly, amazingly, this fourth version of the original single – which was first released 30 years ago this December – will still be named Do They Know It’s Christmas? and basically we can’t wait to hear how they re-do the lyrics.

Speaking at the press conference, Bob said: “This is the worst kept secret in the world. We will reconvene nearly 30 years to the day.

“Three weeks ago I got a call from the UN saying they required a 20 per cent increase [in aid contributions] across the board. They are very concerned about the situation in West Africa.”

He also mentioned the “phenomenal bravery” of the healthcare workers who volunteered to go and help in Ebola-struck countries and added that he still gets embarrassed about getting other celebrities on board.

“I don't like doing this stuff, it's quite embarrassing calling people you don't know, but it was that more than anything else that those people needed to be supported across the board, not just the people suffering from this filthy little virus.”

The single will be released on November 17 with a download price of 99p – or if you don’t really understand all that iTunes nonsense, it’s four quid for a physical CD.

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