Forget Perez Hilton being a massive annoying weirdo for a second. Forget the budding flirtation between Calum Best and Cami Li. Forget that Katie Price is actually in the house.
Here’s the most important piece of Celebrity Big Brother-shaped news that you’ll read all day.
You see, guys, Alicia Douvall has only recently learned what an octagon is.
In footage you’ll see on tonight’s show, Alicia reveals to Katie Hopkins (why? WHY DO YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF, ALICIA?) that she’s been home-schooling her daughter because she can’t afford to send her to school.
Alicia says: “When I teach her, I learn with her. I've learned my shapes. I didn’t know what an octagon was until I taught her.”
Wowee.
Alicia then reveals that she also only learned her alphabet in the last three years before saying: “I’m not bored as a teacher because I don’t know anything myself.”
We’re speechless. It’s like Joey Essex not being able to tell the time all over again, except with shapes. Wow, wow, wow.
We’re presuming that Alicia knows what circles are, seeing as she’s had 17 boob jobs, but we’re not going to hold our breath.
In other house news from tonight, the housemates chat S.E.X. (ooh) – and Cami Li attempts to put her finger in Calum’s ear whilst grooming him.
We. Can’t. WAIT.
Celebrity Big Brother is on tonight, 9pm, Channel 5.
Here's Katie Hopkins spouting off, just because
CBB 2015: Katie Price's biggest celebrity fights EVER – featuring spats with Katie Hopkins, Kelly Brook AND Kim Kardashian!
1 of 8Katie Price vs Katie Hopkins
Straight-talking Hopkins took to Twitter in August 2014 to publicly attack the Pricey’s, uh, unusual choice in daughter’s name. "BUNNY? Makes sense, given your dad was going at it like a rabbit with all of mum's mates," she tweeted. Burn! The former Apprentice runner-up also appeared on Celebrity Juice where she continued to slate Katie’s choice of baby name saying, “I'm not so keen on Katie Price's baby name either. I don't think Bunny is a great name for a baby, do you?” Miss Price didn’t hold back when she blasted Katie Hopkins for being ‘ignorant’ when she claimed "behind every fat child is a fat parent", referring to her son Harvey. Will the CBB house become a battleground between the two Katies?
2 of 8Alicia Douvall
For a woman best known for her multiple breast enlargements, the Pricey displayed a tiny hint of hypocrisy when she infamously accused Alicia of being addicted to cosmetic surgery in June 2012. She told one interviewer: "Alicia Douvall? To me that is having a problem with surgery, I don't understand it. She doesn't have anyone around her to say, 'Look what are you doing'." Um, Katie? HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR OWN BODY IN THE MIRROR RECENTLY???
3 of 8Kelly Brook
These two engaged in a Twitter war in 2013, when Katie Price revealed she'd had a fling with Kelly's ex-fella Danny Cipriani. Labelling Katie "desperate", Kelly tweeted: “@MissKatiePrice Your doing a Kiss&Tell on Danny?? Haha that’s hilarious you dated for 5mins and was one of many at the time. Desperate." Ouchies.
4 of 8Goff_T_Giles_080514_26
Although they may be friends now (well, ish) after Katie offered her support to Big Brother star Chantelle following her break-up with Katie’s ex Alex Reid in 2011, they weren't always pals. Katie and Chantelle had many clashes over Alex - and at one point, Katie even claimed that Chantelle was "ruining her life".
5 of 8Peaches-Geldof
When the late Peaches Geldof posted a picture of her dog licking her baby son's face, Katie took to Twitter to share her thoughts about Peaches' parenting skills, saying she didn’t think it was safe to have an animal that close to a child. Peaches hit back saying: "Funny that Katie Price aka 'Jordan' lol thinks that I shouldn't allow my gentle, sweet golden retriever dog near his best friend, my son. Could say the same thing to her about letting some of the multitude of 'boyfriends' she has near her kids." Erm, maybe Katie should have kept her mouth shut on this one?
6 of 8Victoria Beckham
Katie had a dig at the ex-Spice Girl when she labelled her 'Misery Spice' at the band's reunion in 2012, where Posh was pictured doing the her trademark ‘duck face’ while her former band mates were seen grinning. Katie said: "Perhaps her bunions were killing her again, or maybe her tight dress meant she had problems holding in her wind - but it felt more like a case of her thinking, 'I'm in fashion now dah-lings. All this is just SO beneath me.'" We won’t be expecting a duo from these two again any time soon, then...
7 of 8Kim Kardashian
The ex-glamour model - who got her break as a Page 3 girl - managed to show a shimmer more hypocrisy when she slammed Kim's totally naked Paper magazine shoot as "unattractive". Umm.
8 of 8Kim Woodburn
Back in 2009 when Katie returned to the I'm A Celebrity jungle, campmate Kim got her knickers in a twist when Katie asked what the camp thought of her. Kim told Jordan: "You live and die for publicity, and you do it well." Well Katie, you did ask...