Whose. Ex. Is. Next? The hysterically edited, high-octane reality romp Ex On The Beach is back and with it, a whole new roster of exes.
If you've never seen the show, it revolves around singles on an island having a great time bonking each other until their exes start popping out of the sea to ridiculously edited soundtracks and lots of fights/crying.
Think Love Island except you immediately get a migraine and remain, for days afterwards, unsure if what you saw was a dream, a daytime hallucination, or if you've accidentally spiked your own drink and are unknowingly tripping balls.
Then something weird happens. Somewhere between the pineapple emojis shimmering across the screen (for no reason) and the seventh time someone punches a window in as many seconds, you've watched the entire series. You've laughed, you've cried, you've stayed up til 2am discussing why what the hell the pineapple emojis are adding to the experience.
Who will throw the first chair? Who will cry because someone's mugging them off? Before we dive into this season's singles, excitingly we can reveal two of the exes who definitely will be implausibly coming out of the sea while running their hands through their hair and rubbing their nipples.
Aaron Chalmers
Yes! The one from Geordie Shore who looks like a tapestry and is constantly trying to get Marnie to bang him. No more! Aaron is single and more than comfortable with people yelling at each other, so should fit right into the Ex On The Beach villa. But who did he bang in order to be one of the exes? You've got to watch to find out (clue: it's a woman).
Nicole Bass
Having caused a bit of a stir on TOWIE when she landed (remember Lewis and Mike's fight over her?), Nicole won't be the only Essex girl to join the singles on the beach. And, remember, she used to date Lewis Bloor who is now seeing Marnie Simpson from Geordie Shore who used to go out with human-tapestry Aaron (see above) so, y'know, maybe they can get together and tear a hole in the universe.
No, we're not spoiling any more for you - let's meet some of the bewilderingly toned contestants. If you can call someone who sits on a beach and has to try not to punch their ex a contestant.
Ross Worswick
Ross is a reality star in his own right because he appeared on, erm, Ex On The Beach series one (Yes, the reality world is caving in on itself, but we're enjoying it) but has, apparently grown up and is well behaved these days. He recently split with TOWIE's Jasmin Walia so could she be making an appearance? We're prepared to bet a lot that she will. Ok, fine, an imaginary bet. A bet of the mind.
Harriet Harper
This glamour model will both up the boob content on the island, as well as the ex excitement (should have gone with ex-citement, but you live and learn) because she's rumoured to have dated Pete Wicks. AKA Megan McKenna's ex. And you don't want to cross Megan McKenna because she'll get very close to your face and talk incredibly fast while pointing a lot. Harriet also says her weakness is falling in love too quickly, and wearing her heart on her sleeve, so she'll fit in just fine on the island.
Alex Leslie
An Ex On The Beach contestant with washboard abs and terrifying large thighs! It's so good to see them branching out. Joking aside, Fitness guru Alex is a bit of a Marbella regular so has had a lot of experience being in close proximity to women wearing bikinis. But what about women wearing bikinis in a villa who fall in love too quickly and wear their hearts on their sleeves? Looking forward to seeing how he copes.
Zahida Allen
She's the new Geordie Shore girl, so it makes sense that Zahida is also on Ex On The Beach. It's a feeder school, where you can hone how to say 'I'm the kind of girl who says it to your face' while sinking a Jagerbomb from a tanned man's pectoral. We know that only the most outrageous rise to the top - think Charlotte Crosby weeing into everything, Megan McKenna's tantrums and Scotty T's turbo-dick - so we're interested to see how she sets herself apart in order to win over the general public. Or, rather, fascinate them so they can't look away (see: Charlotte Crosby weeing into everything, etc).
Sean Pratt
Ex-stripper Sean says: "Meeting girls and relationships are just one big game", so we presume he's going into the villa to look for The One. Alternatively, he'll be involved in at least one chair-throwing argument, make three girls cry, and get caught making a play for someone he should leave well alone by the Tablet Of Terror. And we'll all really, really hope one of his exes comes out of the water to play him at his own game. Just a prediction. He might be really cool.
Maisie Gillespie
Student and party animal Maisie describes herself as "a bit of an attention seeker and a flirt" - so how will she fare on this island of introverts? What if they all just want to read their books, and she's up for a shag? Obviously we're kidding. Welcome, Maisie, to your ancestral home where your attention-seeking, flirty ways will be venerated like no other. She's also rumoured to have had a fling with Alex Mytton, so it's possible we could see our first ever Made In Chelsea ex emerge from the depths.
Josh Ritchie
There's always one who goes on about about how many women they've slept with, and this season it's good ole Josh. He describes himself as a ladies man (always a good sign), and claims to have slept with over 400 women, so it'll be interesting to see which exes the producers choose. And also interesting to see what he's like as a person.
ZaraLena Jackson
A clothing designer who has been linked to model Sam Reece, ZaraLena has very clearly stated that she's up for anything, and is open-minded about her sexuality. So Ex On The Beach gold, then; always good to have a fit bikini-clad woman who might snog another fit bikini-clad woman. While Ex has had same-sex exes before (well, one), it's only ever focused on the women. Funny, that.
Ex On The Beach returns to our screens on Tuesday 17th January 2017 at 10pm, only on MTV.