So, the Internet was all angry last week after Sansa Stark, the most put-upon woman in all of Westeros, was raped by her reeeeaaaalllllly creepy new husband in episode five of the new season of Game of Thrones. Many swore never to tune in again, but come on, it isn't the first time we've been wronged by those writers. Remember these?
Ned Stark gets the chop
"Beano! Beano! Beano!" We don't know about you, but we always got the urge to break into a football chant whenever the rugged form of Sean Bean appeared on screen. His well-worn but still-hot looks, his 'broad as Yorkshire itself' vocal lilt...Beano is one dependable action figure. He'll be in this for years! YEARS! It's OK, this beheading lark will definitely get called off... Any minute now... Any second... F*@k! Tell us that did not just happen.
The Red Wedding
Right. If we can't have Beano, we'll have his swoonsome son. We will never get tired of looking at Robb Stark and his reluctant facial hair, his King O' The North swag and his bloody cool wolf. Now he's married a hottie, so there will be loads of fully consensual messing around. We are definitely pausing/rewinding his bare bottom. This is great, this will go on for years! Years! Why is that bloke locking the doors? Why has that other bloke got a knife stashed up his armour? Oh, FFS. Tell us that DID NOT JUST HAPPEN!
The Purple Wedding
Christ, Prince Joffrey is a git. A nasty, Machiavellian little shit that we really want to put over our knee and spank, and not even in any kind of sexy way. But we love it. We love watching him stamp around like a really annoying brat, we love how evil he is to Tyrion, to Sansa, to poor random prostitutes who don't please him and end up as crossbow practice. This will be great TV for yea... Why is he choking? Why are his eyes bulging? Why has he turned that shade of purple? Here we go again...
Jaime and his sister hook up
Jaime is hot. Cersei is hot. It is a universally acknowledged principle of fiction that hot folk must get it on. Woah! Just woah! They're actually related? Brother and sister? Twins? Oh no, he's sporting a metal hand and forcing himself on her while the now very white and waxy Joffrey lies dead a few feet away (sporting some weird pebble eyes that follow you around the room…) We feel fifty shades of wrong and need a bath.
The Dead Viper
One thing the show really needed is an equal opportunities shagger. Some sexy nobleman from faraway lands who doesn't mind if the concubine servicing him is male or female. If he's also a man defending his murdered sister, and wants to go into battle to avenge her and save our favourite diminutive weird-accented Lannister, then bring it on. The Viper certainly is an expert wrist flicker with that poison spear. Yes! The Mountain is down. Oh. Oh no, don't do that to his pretty face. We have taken off our glasses, so we can't see any more, but we are guessing his head just got totally smooshed.
So, basically, any number of nasty things can befall any one of the inhabitants of the Seven Kingdoms. Who knows what deviance will be next? But just one thing: "If Tyrion dies, we riot". So think on.