Hushed conversations in the corridors of power. The open sobbing of Nigel Farage as he’s ritually stripped of his ticket to ride the MEP gravy train. Nick Clegg’s wife silently packing his case while he stands staring into the abyss, in his pants, a broken man. And the cheers of a million trillion Geordies echoing out of Newcastle, down the country, to Wales.
By early May this could well be the reality we all face, because the Geordie Shore cast have just released their first ever election manifesto – led by the show’s very own Charlotte Crosby.
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So why exactly should we the people elect the good folk of Geordie Shore to power? Uh… well, they’re promising free spray tans for everyone. EVERYONE, including “men, women, children, old people, babies and cats”. We’ve never even seen a cat with a spray tan. Is it even allowed?
On the hot topic of immigration, the Geordies have a radical plan that could actually appeal to the hardcore Ukippers out there. “We’re committed to allowing only the hottest talent into the UK,” the manifesto pledges. “Supermodels, Miss Worlds, underwear models, fit people, Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper, Megan Fox, Ashton Kutcher, Scarlett Johansson etc.”
A quick hiatus while your reporter ponders at this world we live in. Just sits at her computer and really thinks hard about the future of this planet
Austerity, meanwhile, can “lick our bits”. What does that even mean. What are we even doing here. “We pledge to SPEND, SPEND, SPEND. Parties, fast cars, fast food, foam parties, clothes, consoles, holidays etc.” Lot of etcs in this manifesto, aren’t there?
Anyway. Remember to vote in May, kids. Because this is what happens when we don’t.
Catch the brand new series of Geordie Shore from April 7 at 10pm on MTV.