“I look like a camp Elvis,” laughs Dr Christian Jessen when he catches sight of himself in the mirror on our shoot, where we’ve dressed him up as a Ken doll.
He’s been given a big quiff and made to look plastic (thanks to a special spray… yes, this stuff does exist).
As the buffest and most twinkly-eyed medical type on telly, Dr Christian has taught the nation all about STIs and what to do if you have a dodgy rash through Channel 4’s Embarrassing Bodies (helped by his fellow medics, Pixie McKenna and Dawn Harper).
And he’s brought his twinkly-eyed bedside manner back to our screens with a new series which started last night.
Putting crotch infections and inspections to one side for a moment – we’re interested in Dr Christian, 35, and his love-in with Rylan Clark, 24, through the pages of heat. Last month, we revealed the best bit of celebrity love goss ever: Rylan’s biggest celeb crush is Dr Christian. “Wow – I’m touched and moved. I’m now following him on Twitter to show my appreciation,” was Dr C’s response. So, we suggested setting them up on a date.
That was over a month ago, well before Rylan emerged as the winner of Celebrity Big Brother 2013. Since then, Dr Christian leapt chivalrously to Rylan’s defence on Twitter when Made In Chelsea’s Spencer Matthews slagged off the entire British public for voting for Rylan on CBB.
Only problem is, Dr C has a boyfriend (he won’t budge on his identity, despite our vigorous probing). So while the path of true love may not run as smoothly as we’d like, we still want to set the pair up on a very romantic (yet platonic) date.
First things first – let’s discuss the Rylan love…
Aww, I know. Rylan!
Were you surprised by his declaration?
I was! I was surprised and delighted.
It was brave of him to come out and admit that. Poor boy, I’m sure he’s getting no end of stick for it. I didn’t really watch *The X Factor. *
I knew who he was, but I hadn’t seen the Famous Rylan Moment [when Rylan sobbed into a cushion when he made it through to the finals]. Then I realised Famous Rylan Moments happen quite a lot when I started watching Big Brother.
I’m not just saying this because he said what he said, but his interview when he came out after he’d won CBB was fan-flipping-tastic. It was so natural, so honest and sweet and he grew on me, shall we say.
Has he been in touch since the end of CBB?
I couldn’t possibly comment on that, it would be utterly indiscreet… No he hasn’t, actually, the b***ard! [Laughs.]
If you were single now, would you go on a date with him?
Absolutely. Who wouldn’t? Where would this date take place? I’d go for afternoon tea with him somewhere posh.
I think he’s an afternoon tea sort of boy. I’d introduce him to the pleasures of afternoon tea in an old- fashioned hotel. With comfy chairs and slightly elderly waiters. I think that would be quite amusing. I think he’d enjoy that. It would make him giggle.
And who would pay?
heat would pay, of course, I would hope! [Laughs.] Are you quite confident on dates? I’m quite shy – can’t you tell? I’m cringing! Look how hard I’m gripping the chair
[his knuckles are white!].
I’ve had to learn to be more confident because I’m not actually very confident at all.
We don’t believe you…
It’s funny, being on telly, people think you’re very extrovert.
I’ve had to learn how to do interviews and feel comfortable with talking about myself.
Are you romantic?
I’ve probably forgotten how to do that a bit! My other half would say I’m not, I’m a typical, cold Englishman. But I like to think I am. I like romantic things! I love music, opera, art, I like nice food – so in that respect, I think I am.
What does your boyfriend think of the Rylan crush?
He’s kept politically quiet about it.
Silent disapproval! Like mothers do. That sort of, “Well, if you think that’s fine, then...” He’s being very diplomatic. [Laughs.]
Have any other celebrities ever come to you for advice?
Yes, but I can’t tell you who. But surprisingly, some big names.
Do you get flirted with a lot on the job?
In my clinic at work, I look after a lot of the adult entertainment industry and do all their sexual screening. They’re always really friendly and they’re like, “My doctor’s on the telly!” So every clinic of mine, they want a picture, which they then tweet!
Your shirts are quite hot. What percentage of your clothing clings?
[Thinks.] About 95 per cent? Apart from some casual linens for holidays, but they don’t come out very often. I like fitted clothing, I think tailoring does things for you.
What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever been asked to look at?
I get asked to look at things in strange places, location wise. I got asked about chlamydia standing in the middle of a busy cab rank in Birmingham. In clubs and restaurants, people come and show me things – not in a nice, friendly way, in a medical way! But it’s nice to know you’re approachable. I’ve been shown infected parts, too. Gross.
You’re still a Harley Street doctor – what’s the usual reaction when people realise they’re your patient?
Sometimes, people walk in and do a double take, “Oh my God, it’s you!” Then they start looking for cameras! Can you recognise an STI at 50 paces? On the Tube, I play a little diagnosis game for everyone and see what they’ve got! Not STIs, though. Then you’ve got this awful dilemma where you realise it’s something quite serious and you’re wondering if they know… “Should I tell them? Will they punch me if do? No, I won’t tell them, I’ll pretend I haven’t noticed.” I don’t know, is that unethical?
What’s the last thing you diagnosed on the Tube?
A very dodgy-looking mole. I thought she ought to get that checked out. But then should I have told her? I don’t know! What are the rules about this? But I can’t be a doctor 24/7. I’m on a journey. It’s not a doctor’s appointment. I’m still worrying about it now. Should I have told her? It might have been a bit awkward.
Moving on, what’s the grossest thing you’ve ever seen?
Generally, when things get stuck in places they are not meant to be. And are left there, for a very long time. They tend to get quite horrible. They tend to cause a certain amount of suppuration, putrefaction, oozing, smell… get my drift? Nice.
Do people make up ridiculous excuses as to how they got there?
Yeah. “I was vacuuming naked and the dog came up behind me and I fell, and the vacuum cleaner caught the end of my willy and that was how it happened. And I also happened to have all this oil on my willy already.” I’m just like, “Oh, right, that’s awful, let’s have a look.” I don’t know why they feel they have to make up an elaborate story to preserve their dignity.
Have you ever got down to business with someone and realised things weren’t as, ahem, healthy as they should be?
That’s a very cheeky question – as a sexual health doctor, can you ever switch off and not examine people before you go to bed with them? You do sort of switch off. I can do it, you know! That would be awful, though, wouldn’t it? Could you imagine? “Now we’re going to have sex, but first of all I’m going to pop these rubber gloves on and give you a good looking over.”
We’ve read that you’re into bronzes. What does that even mean?
Can I just say something that my mum’s really proud of? I won BBC’s Antiques Master in 2010 and my specialist subject was 19th-century antique bronzes. You didn’t know that, did you? That’s very impressive.
** Why bronzes?**
Because my agent put that forward as my specialist subject without asking me, and I went “S**t!” No, that’s not strictly true. I’ve always been very interested in art and antiques. My granny spent a lot of her life going round little country auctions buying stuff and she had a really good eye. I think it’s a fantastic art form. It’s very passionate and masculine, it has a lot of movement and power.
Finally, what we’d really like to know is: how many penises have you seen in your career?
Thousands and thousands. It’s what I do all day. I chose a specialty that involves genitalia. That wasn’t why I chose the specialty, but it’s quite commonplace for me to examine bits all day long. Can I ask you a question? OK… [Laughing] What is heat’s obsession with penises?
You like willies at heat, don’t you?[Chuckles enthusiastically.] Yeah, you do! I can give you the name of a good therapist for that.
Embarrassing Bodies is on Channel 4 on Mondays at 9pm