Oh hi, Jamie Dornan! Will you please strip off and get naked and all sexy for us? What’s that you say? You’re going to in Fifty Shades of Grey? We LOVE that idea!
Except he doesn’t.
To be fair to him, people all over the world, including his friends and family, are going to see him make his SEX FACE on a giant cinema screen, which he, funnily enough, doesn’t seem to like the idea of.
He told Variety: “It’s the worst thing imaginable. For all the reasons anyone would think, most people would like to keep their sex face private.
“The idea of a million people seeing that! I hope it happens quite fast.”
In fact, Jamie’s so scared of people seeing his sex face that he’s more worried about it than getting his big old willy out.
However, the actor, who plays Christian Grey in the film, wasn’t forced to whap out his peen on set as he was given a handy little pouch to stuff it in for his lovemaking scenes with Dakota Johnson, who plays Anastasia Steele.
He said: “It’s like one of those little satchels that Robin Hood or someone of that era would have tied onto his belt.
“There’s no back. It’s tiny. I mean, it’s not tiny! Because it’s got to hold a lot.”
Well saved, Jamie. We’re looking forward to getting acquainted with your sex face.
GALLERY: Eight amazing bits from the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer
8 best bits from 50 Shades of Grey trailer
1 of 8Our first look at Christian Grey
Despite Jamie Dornan playing a pretty successful businessman - one who can afford stuff like red rooms of pain and fancy cars and that - it appears he actually does no work in his office. Where's his computer? Printer? Even a photocopier used to copy the bottoms of naughty subs? All that prime commercial retail space and all he's plonked in it is a weirdly overgrown bonsai tree and an MDF desk. On the plus side, that shiny floor + spinny office chair = hella hours of fun
2 of 8How many meeting areas does he need in one office?
Does he hold simultaneous meetings with two groups of people? Because that's impressive. And would explain all the money. But what's that in the far corner? A totem pole? Art? A massive sex toy?
3 of 8Inappropriately placed trombone
Brilliant.
4 of 8Rita Ora's weird bob
Did she think she was auditioning for the Great Gatsby instead? Awkward.
5 of 8Topless Jamie Dornan
Yep. Ain't nothing wrong with this view.
6 of 8Ana's plane face
We wish we could be this excited whenever we get on an easyJet flight.
7 of 8Followed by her Red Room of Pain face
Hmm.
8 of 8That sofa
Followed by her 'Argh, stop tickling my feet' face. We presume that's what he's doing to her. Though we're a little concerned about the sheer amount of red pleather next to all that bare flesh. Clearly Christian hasn't thought through the consequences of this interior design theme. Yes, it's wipe-clean, but just think of the raw chafing when you finally peel your sweaty bits off that couch. Can't we interest you in a nice washable sofabed from Ikea instead?