Brooding murderer turned S&M lovemaker Jamie Dornan — who we are legally bound to clarify is not actually a brooding murderer or an S&M lovemaker, that we know about, but does play them in various TV shows and movies — has threatened to go off grid if Fifty Shades of Grey is a hit.
Which is sort of a Catch-22 situation, Jamie Dornan. Like: a lot of people want to watch you beating Dakota Johnson up while pretending to lovemake her. AND YET ALSO, they want you to stay here in the Western world, so they can perv on you so much they dribble. Hmm. Tricky. To watch the film, or to not watch the film? Tricky one. Tri-cky one.
Anyway Jamie, who had just has a baby with his wife, Amelia Warner, told Vogue: “If it’s a nightmare, we’ll move to Outer Mongolia or something and live in a yurt. I’ve got a lot of s**t together, finally, by age 32. I’m glad I have that all in place when whatever happens, happens.”
He also confessed he was rubbish at talking to girls when he was a teenager, because… Jamie Dornan… was basically… an Inbetweener…?
“I was very shy,” he brooded. “I’m not saying that was the only reason I didn’t do well with them but I just didn’t. I never had any reason to think I looked different.”
He also confessed he was a ‘reluctant’ model who was happy to turn his back on the pose-in-a-cardigan-and-look-intense industry.
“The actual thing of having to stand looking all moody and looking off in the distance and, ‘Let’s just do a couple with a finger round your mouth’,” he said. “I’d rather be playing football.” Good thing to tell Vogue, Jamie. They’ll love that.
Anyway, here are the best bits from the Fifty Shades trailer...
8 best bits from 50 Shades of Grey trailer
1 of 8Our first look at Christian Grey
Despite Jamie Dornan playing a pretty successful businessman - one who can afford stuff like red rooms of pain and fancy cars and that - it appears he actually does no work in his office. Where's his computer? Printer? Even a photocopier used to copy the bottoms of naughty subs? All that prime commercial retail space and all he's plonked in it is a weirdly overgrown bonsai tree and an MDF desk. On the plus side, that shiny floor + spinny office chair = hella hours of fun
2 of 8How many meeting areas does he need in one office?
Does he hold simultaneous meetings with two groups of people? Because that's impressive. And would explain all the money. But what's that in the far corner? A totem pole? Art? A massive sex toy?
3 of 8Inappropriately placed trombone
Brilliant.
4 of 8Rita Ora's weird bob
Did she think she was auditioning for the Great Gatsby instead? Awkward.
5 of 8Topless Jamie Dornan
Yep. Ain't nothing wrong with this view.
6 of 8Ana's plane face
We wish we could be this excited whenever we get on an easyJet flight.
7 of 8Followed by her Red Room of Pain face
Hmm.
8 of 8That sofa
Followed by her 'Argh, stop tickling my feet' face. We presume that's what he's doing to her. Though we're a little concerned about the sheer amount of red pleather next to all that bare flesh. Clearly Christian hasn't thought through the consequences of this interior design theme. Yes, it's wipe-clean, but just think of the raw chafing when you finally peel your sweaty bits off that couch. Can't we interest you in a nice washable sofabed from Ikea instead?