The 2015 John Lewis Christmas ad has thoroughly depressed us all. Sorry, but it’s true. Everyone in heat Towers is either rocking slowly under their desk or eating their feelings by way of eggs right now. Why? Because #ManOnTheMoon is the WORST THING TO HAVE HAPPENED TO CHRISTMAS.
Us, earlier
It’s also thrown up a lot of questions, so here’s a frame-by-frame analysis of just why it tugs so hard at the ol’ heartstrings...
We open with Lily, the star of the ad, who’s watching her brother play his Game Boy, or whatever it is these young people have now. There are no adults around, immediately prompting concern about the welfare of these two young siblings. Has John Lewis killed their parents? Has it murdered their parents to get people to buy more stuff from its stores? It's a possibility we should bear in mind.
Lily has a telescope. It’s not explained how she came by this telescope. Perhaps it’s been put there by John Lewis in a Big Brother-style experiment to keep tabs on the kids while their parents are locked up in the basement of its flagship Oxford Street store.
Lily’s telescope is inexplicably powerful. It’s more powerful than the most expensive piece of kit NASA owns. It’s more powerful than Google’s satellites. It’s managed to pick out a little house in a big crater on the moon. How have we not discovered this house before? Doesn’t this represent quite a massive failing on mankind’s part? Heads are rolling in the White House this morning, that’s for sure.
And who do we have here? Is that… is that Einstein? It kind of looks like Einstein. You alright mate? What’s going on over there?
Back on Earth, Lily’s wondering what to do next. Her brother, the little sod, literally gives zero f**ks about the plight of the old man on the moon, even though it’s patently obvious he’s going to meet quite a gruesome end reasonably quickly, what with the absence of oxygen and the dangerous sun rays burning through space and all.
What can she do, though? The old man seems fairly chipper, despite being just a few milliseconds from death. Look, he’s got himself a little bench to sit on and contemplate the world from. Leave him be, Lily, he’s fine.
Nope, Lily won’t listen to reason. Blame her murdered parents, blame her uncaring brother – she’s got a plan now. She’s gonna write the old man a letter, despite there being a pretty naff postal service to the moon. The cost of stamps is astronomical already, how much is it going to be to get a standard A5 envelope through space?
Hold up, a faceless man has broken into Lily’s home with… is that a Christmas tree? They’ve just lost their parents you heartless bastard, now you want them to celebrate CHRISTMAS? You’ve gone too far this time, John Lewis.
Oh no, look, it’s OK: John Lewis has bought the kids a new mummy! Time for a party, and what a party it is – a bowl of boiled eggs, two pork pies and what looks like a cheese platter on the side. The blond kid on the right looks on jealously as he plots how to end Lily with a brie knife and steal her new mummy for his own.
Lily might be loving life with her brand new ParentBot 3000s (just £9,500 plus postage and packaging), but she hasn’t forgotten about the old man on the moon just yet. She sent off a present months ago, but what with the state of Royal Mail at the moment it’s just arrived attached to a bunch of Up-style balloons, which somehow have made it through the Earth’s atmosphere intact.
So what is it that Lily has sent through space? Er, it’s a telescope. A telescope, Lily? Like… we don’t mean to sound ungrateful on his behalf, but wouldn’t that cash be better spent helping the old man get back to Earth? It’s almost rubbing salt in the wounds, really, isn’t it; giving a lonely old man a telescope so he can see what he’s missing out on instead of just imagining it.
There she is, the smug little brat. Yeah, wave harder Lily. WAVE HARDER.
THE OLD MAN IS CRYING NOW OH GOD WHY IS THIS SO HARD TO WATCH WE NEED TO TAKE A FEW MINUTES AND HAVE A LIE DOWN OK.
And that’s the end. Quietly devastating, no? If it hadn’t already ruined you, wait until you hear John Lewis has teamed up with Age UK for this ad to raise awareness of all the old people left alone at Christmas.
So hug your grandpa. If you haven't got one, hug somebody else's grandpa. Everyone should have a grandpa to hug at this time of the year - if only so that John Lewis doesn't start rounding them up and rocketing them 239,000 miles away to the moon in order to sell its Christmas products.