Why-do-we-even-bother-when-the-world-is-going-to-end-anyway-and-what-are-our-lives-even-for news now, and Love Island winners Jessica Hayes and Max Morley have just revealed that… they’re not actually in love.
Despite just last night winning £50,000 for their OMG totes romantz relationship, yup.
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Talking to the Mirror, glamour model Jess – whose neck must be incredibly sore now from all that hair flicking – confessed she and Max aren’t even going to be meeting up regularly now they’re back in the UK.
GUYS. HANNAH AND JON LITERALLY GOT ENGAGED LAST NIGHT AND THEY DIDN’T EVEN WIN.
WE FEEL CHEATED.
WE FEEL BETRAYED.
WE ALSO FEEL LIKE WRITING IN CAPITALS IS THE ONLY WAY TO EXPRESS EXACTLY HOW CROSS WE ARE AT THIS.
OK???
“We have a laugh together but we are not madly in love or anything like that,” Jess admitted.
“We are not going to move in together or anything like that - it's a bit soon. I’ve been in a long-distance relationship before and I think they can work out better sometimes. Anyway, I travel a lot with my job.”
Yeah, we’re hearing a lot of THIS does the chattering mouth gesture when we want to experience more of THIS attempts to recreate heart-eyes emoji; fails.
For his part, Max couldn’t even be bothered to maintain the illusion that the pair have SO CALLOUSLY WEAVED for us, their captive audience.
“When someone asks me what I go for, I do say blondes, yeah,” he told the newspaper, presumably studiously avoiding eye contact with red-headed Jess.
“But you know, Jess is lovely too.”
WE’RE SO CROSS WE DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO FINISH THIS ARTICLE. SO JUST PRETEND YOU’VE READ SOMETHING REALLY WITTY AND CLEVER AND GO ON BUZZFEED INSTEAD, ALRIGHT?
Love Island 2015 - ALL the contestants
Love Island 2015 - ALL the contestants
1 of 8Caroline Flack
Cazza Flazza's back and presenting her own show for the first time ever. She reckons the best outcome of Love Island would be "weddings and babies" and is really looking forward to getting some match-making done.
2 of 8Chris Williamson, 27, from Newcastle
Weirdest fact: "I went on Take Me Out three years ago which probably marked the worst date I've ever been on. We went deep sea fishing, which is not the most exciting date in the world, and she was so dull and boring. You know when she's talking about crabbing with her dad when she was 11, the conversation's dried up. In the end I took my top off and dived into the sea to get away from her, but the people on the boat pulled me back in."Maddest quote: "I have quite high standards and Newcastle doesn't always provide what I'm after. The girls here are highly amused and easily confused."
3 of 8Danielle Pyne, 23, from London
Weirdest fact: "I spend a minimum of two hours getting ready: more, if I have to fake tan first. I wash my hair, curl it, do my make up, then find an outfit, which generally takes 45 minutes."Maddest quote: "One of my best friends is Toff from Made In Chelsea and Alex Mytton DJs in my club."
4 of 8Joshua
Weirdest fact: "I was on Stand By Your Man. I was seeing a girl when I went on it. She was just a friend with benefits though so it wasn't cheating. A few of my mates are Burnley footballers. I don't like freeloading off them but sometimes we go to a VIP club. I know Helen who won Big Brother last year. She slept with one of my mates."Maddest quote: "I don't struggle with women. I don't have a chat-up line, I just say to them, 'Wanna bang?', and that works."
5 of 8Lauren Richardson, 26, from London
Weirdest fact: "I met Zayn Malik in a nightclub in Thailand. It got blown out of all proportion. But that's a long story...."Maddest quote: "My dream date? An activity – paintballing or jumping out of a plane. And it's always good if you can beat a boy at a sport."
6 of 8Luis Morrison, 20, from Sweden
Weirdest fact: "I've had beautiful girls come up to me and say literally, 'Come to my car now', and it's hard to say no…"Maddest quote: "Celebrity crush? Kim Kardashian. I wouldn't bother taking her to dinner, I'd just go straight to a hotel. She's one of them, isn't she? I wouldn't bring them back to mum and dad, they'd be horrified!"
7 of 8Rachel Christie, 26
Weirdest fact:"Before I got pregnant, I was a 400m athlete and heptathlete, and my goal was to get to the 2012 Olympics."Maddest quote:"My uncle is Linford Christie. I was also the first black Miss England and went to lots of high profile events at the time. But I never really went up and talked to any of the celebrities there. I'm humble like that."
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