Made In Chelsea season 11 is all about NUDITY and broken relationships

And bitching about other people's relationships, obvs

made in chelsea season 11

by Heat |

Made in Chelsea is back for its 11th season, and, if the opening ten minutes are anything to go by, is going to be incredibly nude. Aside from the baps (Binky Felstead's) and balls (the boys') on show, though, it looks like it's going to be a good series.

If you missed it, here are the main themes the show has already kickstarted - amid the classic slo-mo, constant drinking and inexplicable meeting points, of course. Because we all like to discuss other peoples' relationships by going for walks down dimly lit streets and stopping at opportune moments by cars that we don't own, don't we.

Binky gets naked. The Made In Chelsea Bois also get naked

Did we mention this? Because within the first five minutes, Binky and Louise Thompson have gone full frontal, with Binky asking Rosie to help cover her "slut...parts". We presume she means her leg.

Anyway, it's for a naked photoshoot in what looks like the British Museum (probably someone's house), by a naked photographer who's 'bonked' Sam so has now seen both Thompsons in the buff.

Across town, the boys are all playing strip poker in a bar where everyone else appears to be fully clothed. Jamie has a tie strewn across his shoulders and shows Stephanie Pratt his wang as she comes over to flirt with Alex Mytton. Which leads us nicely onto...

Stephanie and Mytton are going to get it on

made in chelsea season 11
©Channel 4

Sure, it's fine to fancy someone who has a girlfriend, but there's nothing worse than that mate who won't stop telling everyone with the precursor "You can't tell ANYONE!" while flirting heavily with the object of their desires at every opportunity.

This is Stephanie. Stephanie is that mate, weighed down both by her huge Chanel necklace and the sheer gravity of lust.

"I would never go after that," she tells Binky after they've been doing burpees while remaining fully blow-dried. She adds: "If I was in a club and he kissed me I would probably not hit him." She should write erotic fiction.

Also, Mytton is absolutely going to crack onto her the moment he gets her alone and the remainder of the series will be watching the nuclear fallout.

It's also worth mentioning that Mytton says the word "crackalacking" in this episode. Fascinating how women fancy him.

JP and Binky are on the rocks - but so are Sam and Tiff

made in chelsea

Apart from Mytton and Nicola Hughes, who have frankly never been off the rocks, there's a whole lot of chat about Josh 'JP' Patterson and Binky this episode which we fully expected. Mainly because JP has consistently appeared confused about what a relationship actually is.

This time, he's way more bothered about his friendship with James Dunmore than he is about Binky. Why? Because James seems to spend a lot of time with his girlfriend, which JP declares he doesn't understand. Stupidly, he declares this to Binky while they're both awkwardly standing on a medieval staircase, to which her response is, obviously: "YEAH THEY'RE IN LOVE MATE."

We've been waiting for Sam and Tiffany Watson to hit those Made In Chelsea rocks for roughly 14.5 minutes and they've only gone and done it again. Poor Tiff. Firstly, she's going out with a guy who wouldn't look out of place in a young boys' choir, and secondly, he's so bad at empathy it's possible he's not a real person.

When bringing up the subject of a girl he once bonked (the aforementioned naked photographer), who is now hanging out with all of Tiff's friends and taking nude photos of them, he finds it incredibly difficult to comprehend why she might want a bit more than a casual, "She's been saying to people we hooked up before". When Tiff asks him if that's true, he says, "Yeah".

You'd think Sam'd be so good at all this love stuff after a scene early on with him and Tiff at a dinner table, with him kissing her awkwardly, making baby noises and calling her his "wife". It's almost as if the producers set this up to emphasise the cracks in their relationship later on in the episode. But that would be cynical.

Mark-Francis Vandelli's coat

made in chelsea season 11
©Channel 4

Aside from all this love stuff, will Mark-Francis Vandelli ever put his arms through the arm holes of his coat? We'll keep you posted. First to notice and tweet us gets absolutely nothing but the glory of spotting something so rare we can't even imagine it when we close our eyes.

**JP and James have man chats **

made in chelsea season 11
©Channel 4

In the sense that a) JP and James have a chat because JP finds it difficult to understand that a male human might want to spend time with a female human, convinced that Lucy is forcing James to hang out with her while sucking his soul out through his eyes b) they both say the word 'man' constantly and JP wears a serious black poloneck.

This particular man chat is great because it's basically a small child talking to an adult male. "She's not... everything I do is fully out of my choice," replies James, leading JP to re-evaluate everything he ever thought about the female species. 'Wait,' we imagine him saying to Binky, his brow furrowed, 'So you don't want to keep me locked up in a small cell purely for procreation purposes? And, hang on, I actually have to LIKE going out for a drink with you?!'

Poor guy.

Lucy Watson stirs like a pro

made in chelsea season 11
©Channel 4

Lucy can't cope unless she's sidling up to people in relationships and asking them leading questions about said relationships while looking at her nails. It's a common tactic used by politicians the world over, and Chelsea is no exception.

Since JP and Binky got together, Lucy's taken it upon herself to consistently question them - rightly, as it turns out - even though JP is doing more than enough to create a love-implosion himself.

This episode sees her reaching peak-stir, with JP exploding and yelling, "Do you have a statistics book in your pocket?", which is an excellent way to respond when someone is telling you your relationship is all wrong. Even if it is. Bring up stats.

Roll on Season 11...

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