Terrible human beings doing terrible things to other human beings news now, and James Franco has written an essay on his alleged sexnanigans with Lindsay Lohan.
We can't express just how this 2,759-word piece of garbage makes us feel, because a LOT of emotions come into play. Needless to say, there's plenty of namedropping, Brett Easton Ellis-style rambling on the culture of celebrity and a particularly jarring description of a door chain ("I don't know what you call it; it's like a chain but made of two bars that [keep] the door from opening").
This ode to self-absorption doesn't actually suggest James slept with Lindsay - despite his name making that now-infamous list of supposed conquests one of Lindsay's friends leaked - and he seems to go to extreme lengths to point out they never did the deed. Is… is this James Franco's way of getting back at Lindsay? To slate her in a meandering autobiographic/fictional account of Hollywood parties and drugs and the mindnumbingly microscopic minutiae of his life? Why???
You can read the whole thing on Vice if you have a spare 45 minutes (five to read it, a good 40 to digest it) and a spare bit of soul you don't mind withering and dying. If you can't be arsed, here's just the teensiest snippet:
My phone rang. She let it ring until I answered. “You’re not going to let me sleep, are you?” “Do you think this is me? Lindsay Lohan. Say it. Say it, like you have ownership. It’s not my name anymore.” “Lindsay Lo-han.” “I just want to sleep on your couch. I’m lonely.” “We’re not going to have sex. If you want to come in, I’ll read you a story.” “A bedtime story?” “It’s called ‘A Perfect Day for Bananafish.’” Do you think I’ve created this? This dragon girl, lion girl, Hollywood hellion, terror of Sunset Boulevard, minor in the clubs, Chateau Demon? Do you think this is me?
SHUT
UP
JAMES
FRANCO
AND
GO
AWAY
NOW
PLEASE.
heat's 101 hottest hunks 2014
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101: Union J's George Shelley100: Bruno Mars99: Ritchie Neville98: Matt Smith97: Tom Pearce96: Chris O'Dowd
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95: The Vamps' James McVey94: Louis Smith93: Eddie Redmayne92: Emmerdale's Matthew Wolfenden91: Mark Wahlberg90: Jamie Laing
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89: Ryan Phillippe88: Ed Westwick87: Alexander Skarsgard86: Matthew McConaughey85: New Girl's Max Greenfield84: Jack Whitehall
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83: Jared Leto82: Professor Green81: Mark Wright80: Daniel Radcliffe79: Louis Tomlinson78: Dermot O'Leary
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77: Robert Pattinson76: True Blood's Ryan Kwanten75: Robbie Williams74: Brad Pitt73: Drake72: Aaron Paul
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71: Aaron Taylor-Johnson70: Ashton Kutcher69: Matt Willis68: Jason Derulo67: Adam Levine66: Marvin Humes
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65: Justin Timberlake64: Ian Somerhalder63: Chris Pine62: Nicholas Hoult61: Zayn Malik60: George Clooney
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59: Alex Pettyfer58: Ryan Reynolds57: Thom Evans56: Britain's Got Talent's Darcy Oake55: Olly Murs54: Hollyoaks' Danny Mac
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53: Russell Brand52: New Girl's Jake Johnson51: James Arthur50: Jake Gyllenhaal49: Max George48: Matt Damon
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47: EastEnders' Ben Hardy46: Justin Bieber45: Joey Essex44: Daniel Craig43: Channing Tatum42: Greg James
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41: Dougie Poynter40: James Corden39: Brody Jenner38: Idris Elba37: Michael Fassbender36: Josh Hutcherson
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35: James Franco34: Andrew Garfield33: 5 Seconds of Summer's Luke Hemmings32: Prince Harry31: Calvin Harris30: Enrique Iglesias
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29: Joseph Gordon-Levitt28: Tiger Drew-Honey27: Game Of Thrones' Kit Harrington26: Hugh Jackman25: Chris Evans24: Benedict Cumberbatch
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23: Tom Hardy22: Douglas Booth21: Scott Disick
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20: Danny Dyer
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19: Johnny Depp
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18: Orlando Bloom
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17: David Gandy
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16: Lawson's Andy Brown
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15: Sam Claflin
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14: Harry Styles
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13: Liam Hemsworth
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12: Chris Hemsworth
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11: Gerard Butler
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10: Henry Cavill
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9: Ryan Gosling
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8: Jamie Dornan
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7: Gary Barlow
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6: Bradley Cooper
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5: Leonardo DiCaprio
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4: Harry Judd
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3: David Beckham
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2: Last year's winner Tom Daley
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And the winner is... ZAC EFRON!