FLASHFORWARD: It’s Sunday night at the Oscars and Michael Gambon is eagerly rummaging through his goodie bag. Jennifer Lawrence looks on in glee. Gambon pulls out a long, thin parcel and shakes it. “OH MY FKING GOD I AM SO EXCITED WHAT THE FK IS IT,” screams J-Law. She downs three tequilas in quick succession. Brad Pitt runs up and starts dancing on the spot. “What is it what is it WHAT IS IT?” he trembles. Gambon slowly unwraps the thick, luxe paper to reveal… A GIANT VIBRATOR.
Team heat will be up all night covering the Oscars 2015 LIVE this Sunday 22 February from 10pm. Keep your eyes locked to heatworld's Twitter using #Eredcarpet, our Facebook page and the Red Carpet channel for everything to have to know about the Oscars 2015.
Oscars 2015 goss:
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[Boyd Hilton's Oscars guide
](planetradio.co.uk/heat/entertainment/trending/oscars-ant-dec-shine-weekend-s-tv-highlights/)
Yeah, the 1,500 or so star attendees at this year’s Oscars are going to get a few shocks in their goodie bags this year, because the company putting them together have gone WAY OTT – and there’s a definite Fifty Shades whiff hanging over proceedings.
Along with the $250 Afterglow sex toy (“wave after wave of full-body orgasms!”), celebrities will be going home with an orgasm booster jab (literally an injection that goes in your foof) and “luxury” condoms worth £36 for 12. What would luxury condoms worth £36 for 12 even be made out of? Particularly soft suede? Cashmere? DIAMONDS?
It’s not all extra-marital aides and super-pricey prophylactics – Eddie Redmayne, Rosamund Pike and, uh, Judi Dench will also be shovelling a $250 vaporiser, French Mediterranean sea salts worth $1,500 (!!!!) and a customised silver necklace into their limos before the night is out.
If that wasn’t enough, each of the Oscars attendees will be given a gift certificate to meet lifestyle guru Olessia Kantor, who will fly out to meet them to discuss their 2015 horoscope. How much would that cost us, a normal human being? £12,970!
Oh, and to get over all that exhausting foreplay and celestial goal-setting, the stars are also being treated to a three-day holiday in Tuscany, a posh train ride through the Rockies AND a $20,000 year-long car rental voucher with Audi.
Jealous? Us? Nah, it's cool.
Oscars fashion frock-ups! The 30 worst Oscar outfits of all time
Oscars fashion frock-ups! The 30 worst Oscar outfits of all time
1 of 30Kate Winslet
Look at 20 year old Kate! This get-up reminds us of our school prom outfit
2 of 30Amy Adams
Of all the amazing designer dresses out there, you would think Amy could've chosen one which didn't look like it was fashioned by Willy Wonka
3 of 30Selma Blair
She might have got stuck in a shredder en route to the party, but good sport Selma still made it
4 of 30Anne Hathaway
This colour by itself is hurting our eyes. Let alone the pattern and material
5 of 30Bjork
Yep, your eyes are not deceiving you. Bjork is indeed wearing a swan
6 of 30Celine Dion
This backwards tuxedo was meant to look all fashhhhhion and cool. But it didn't work sixteen years ago, and it sure as hell still doesn't work now
7 of 30Cameron Diaz
At least Cam found a use for her old Laura Ashley drapes
8 of 30Charlize Theron
John Galliano and Charlize must have had a mahoosive falling out when he designed this rose boob creation for her big night
9 of 30Cher
Presumably Cher's Oscar was for the most revealing red carpet dress EVER
10 of 30Zoe Saldana
Just cos it's D&G, doesn't mean it's good
11 of 30Whoopi Goldberg
We're pretty sure nobody in the world could get away with this much leopard print
12 of 30Uma Thurman
It's amazing what you can do with a bedsheet and an old sash
13 of 30Nicky Hilton
Putting on a brave face despite losing half her dress in an isolated bear attack
14 of 30Chloe Sevigny
Chlo looks like she's come straight from a tap show
15 of 30Demi Moore
Note to self: when your fake tan matches your dress, it's time to stop
16 of 30Diane Keaton
Soz, Di. There's no way you're passing for an indistinguishable bloke
17 of 30Helena Bonham-Carter
As far as HBC's fashion goes, this isn't the worst by far. But as far as the Oscars goes, unfortunately it is
18 of 30Faith Hill
Did a child chew up all of their Rainbow Puffs and vomit them up over poor Faith?
19 of 30Geena Davis
When you heart your toilet roll holder soooo much, you decided to wear it to the Oscars
20 of 30Tyra Banks
America's Next Top Fashion Disaster perhaps?
21 of 30Thora Birch
All disembark the Orient Express
22 of 30Susan Sarandon
Luckily the fabric shop had a spare 500 metres of brown taffeta to make Susan's Oscar dress
23 of 30Gwyneth Paltrow
Here's why us ladies must ALWAYS wear a bra. And try not to dress like we've been auditioning for The Craft
24 of 30Heather Graham
Here's a lesson in how NOT to wear leather. With a sock stuffed down your top
25 of 30Madonna
Let's hope Madge didn't go near any naked flames that night
26 of 30Paris Hilton
Turns out doilies aren't just for tables
27 of 30Kate Hudson
Heathcliff, it's me Kathy.....need we say more? Weirdly though, Kate's bag looks very much like Charlotte Olympia's new Chinese takeaway box number. Which makes it kinda OK
28 of 30Jennifer Hudson
Nice of David Bowie to lend Jen his jacket, eh?
29 of 30Naomi Watts
When in doubt, just throw on every single bit of material you possibly can (please don't)
30 of 30Juliette Binoche
At least if your entire outfit is velvet you don't need to think about what goes with it