Oscars 2016 goodie bags: Stars will get a ‘vampire’ boob job, pet food and LUXURY TOILET PAPER

Sounds a bit 'poop emoji' to us, tbh

The Oscars goodie bag is always a fascinating delve into the lives of Hollywood's rich and famous, and the 2016 offering may be the best one yet.

Because this year's Oscars goodie bag costs a whopping $200,000 a pop and contains a whole host of expensive, flashy and downright bizarre extravagances.

Only those nominated in an acting or director category – so the likes of Jennifer Lawrence, Saoirse Ronan and, er, Leonardo DiCaprio - can get their mitts on one of these gift bags, so they are super-hard to get hold of.

Let's have a closer look at what's inside:

Huh. Well… thanks, the Oscars. They're always useful, we guess.

For all your vaping needs.

But you can only use it on Audi models. Useful for all the driving they'll definitely do themselves.

Actually, that sounds pretty good. Can we come too?

Mmm, figs! All that figgy… goodness. Great for the digestion though.

The glamour!

Sheesh…

According to Joseph's Toiletries, makes of said posh bog roll, this is "the first single-sheet product which really holds its promise, no matter if used in dry or moist condition". Shudder.

Imagine $300 worth of sweets. IMAGINE.

Now this one's a bit of a strange one – rather than schlepping up to Lady Gaga's house with a truck-full of pet food, this year Halo has teamed up with freekibble.com to give away 10,000 meals to pooches, kitties and other small furries to an animal shelter of each celeb's choice. N'aww.

Your bathroom would have to be VAST to contain this lot. Probs not an issue for Brangelina, though…

This puts together all your family photos, home footage, Vines and so on in a nice presentable video package you can play whenever you like. We'd actually kill to see Jennifer Lawrence's…

That'll be worn... never.

Actually quite useful. Nice one, the Oscars!

Picture Leonardo DiCaprio's face when he pulls this out.

Mmm, maple-y.

What are you trying to imply here? – every single person's reaction to these plates

Yeah, actually, we'd love this.

Um, but not this. Thanks.

Seriously, no.

Honestly, what the hell? Such a weirdly specific value, too.

At $467 a go thereafter? You're having a giraffe, pal.

YES PLEASE.

Uh, what's wrong with using an old Volvic? Sheesh.

Good for all that healthy snacking, we guess. We'd prefer pizza though.

Most celebrities get through phones like hot dinners though, don't they? Kim Kardashian probably changes her five times a day as she rinses the battery with her constant selfie-taking.

Huh.

Lot of personal training sessions coming up here. Whooooole lotta them.

Mmm, 1950s-y.

But walking is FREE. How much walking would you need to do to rack up $54,000 worth of it?

Charming.

But it's not all bad...

YES PLEASE.

YES PLEASE.

YES PLEASE.

The Oscars 2016 kicks off on Sunday 28 February. Here's everything you need to know, from the red carpet arrivals to the predicted winners.