If there’s not a truckload of wide-eyed X Factor refugees flooding the charts, then there’s a few pop goliaths dominating the top spots for weeks on end.
But surely Robin Thicke, the man with the biggest selling single of 2013, could shift a few albums?
Well, it turns out he can indeed shift a few albums, but by “a few” we literally mean, “a few”.
Five hundred and thirty to be exact. Yep, 530 humans in UK bought Robin Thicke’s new album Paula in its first week, which shot the album right to number… 200 in the mid-week album chart.
Just to give you a bit of perspective, Bob Marley’s album Legend is at number 54 and it’s been in the charts for 842 weeks.
But hey, that’s a great album, and maybe Asda had it on offer at the end of the frozen aisle.
Still, 530 copies isn’t many.
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A quick straw poll of the* heat* office says that we could probably release an album and sell 530 copies, just by nagging our friends.
We probably annoyed at least 130 people into downloading Candy Crush Saga with incessant Facebook invites, so shifting 500 albums seems like an easy feat.
Is there another reason Robin’s album has bombed?
Maybe it’s because shortly after his song Blurred Lines became HUGE people began to hate him a bit. Firstly for the pervy connotations of the song (although that didn’t seem to stop all those people buying it), then for his rumoured infidelity and general ickiness with women.
It seems his wife - Paula Patton who he named the album after - got on the whole disliking Robin hype soon after and left him. The album was meant to be a big love letter to Paula, with the unofficial subtitle* being “Come back to me and we can bask in the riches of my new album and my new ability to refrain squeezing bums and dry humping Miley Cyrus”.
*YO LAWYERS, THIS IS A GAG.
What’s the moral of this story then? Don’t write an album just to win back your wife, unless your wife happens to made up of hundreds of thousands of clones of your wife, a bit like Agent Smith at the end of* The Matrix: Revolutions* and each of those Paula Pattons will each buy an album for cash money?
We wonder if actual Paula bought a copy?
She is basically the target market for an entire album.
So maybe the moral of this story is, don’t write and release an entire album aimed at one person, who kinda hates you.
As they’ll probably expect a freebie at the very least.