Getting Made In Chelsea's Spencer Matthews to be your boyfriend is like lassoing a particularly slippery eel at a foam party in Ibiza. Except the lasso is also made of eels and they've been oiled up specially for the occasion. Also the floor is eels.
What we're saying here is it's ruddy difficult to nail Spenny down into a relationship – we're guessing his Facebook status only ever reads 'it's complicated' and he's blocked more ex-flames than we've seen pictures of Kim Kardashian naked.
So when we first heard that he and ex-Geordie Shore lass Vicky Pattison were dating in March 2016, we were instantly on guard. Vicky – no stranger to shit boyfriends herself – seemed reasonably happy with the way things were going, at least according to her mum, Caroll.
But when heat sat down with Spencer to find out what was really going on with Vicky, he told us the whole romance is off.
He told us: "Vicky and I have enjoyed several lovely dates and went to Monaco together.
"We get along famously and as a result of that we have decided to be very good friends."
What! But… but… but we wanted to see Vicky appear on Made In Chelsea, just smashing a Hummingbird Bakery cupcake into Lucy Watson's face. Why have you denied us our one ambition in life, Spenny? WHY?
"It was actually her idea, because my reputation precedes me, and what we’d like is to have a lifelong relationship. We just think at this point having a [romantic] relationship together is potentially dangerous."
"She sat me down and said, 'How do you feel about being the closest of friends and seeing each other all the time but just being good friends?'" he added.
But, he reckons there's still unfinished business there – and she might pop up as a romantic interest later on.
"We’re very close and I value her friendship enormously. There might possibly be romance in the future. There has been romance. But we get along so well, it would be a shame to ruin it," Spencer finished.
Read the whole interview – and Vicky's side of the story – in this week's heat mag, out today.