Isn’t there anything Simon Cowell can do to stop this decline into madness?

by Emmeline Saunders |

Watch this video and mourn your old life. The life you used to lead, carefree and happy, before this exact moment. It wasn’t a perfect life, sure – but it was better than… this.

Because this – THIS – is the precise moment Louis Walsh scraped the absolute bottom of the barrel of celebrity endorsements.

He’s been recruited by Cadbury’s to plug their Dairy Milk bar via the medium of dancing around a kitchen singing into a whisk.

We’re going to make a lot of assumptions here:

Assumption 1) Louis got paid, by a former British chocolate company, in cash, to do this.

Because there’s no other reason to sign up for such ritual humiliation, is there? Even if you really like Dairy Milk. And you can’t pay your bills with mass market chocolate. Trust us, we’ve tried.

Assumption 2) That kitchen is not Louis’.

That is a kitchen some marketing company has done a helluva lot of research into to find the ideal layout of – a layout that consumers will find pleasing, yet aspirational. It will make them think of their own kitchens – sticky counters, out-of-date yogurt languishing in the fridge – and sigh.

Assumption 3) Dairy Milk Louis is a man of lost purpose

He obviously leaves his house every day to pick up the papers – but he seems to only invest in publications featuring him. Why isn’t Dairy Milk Louis on Twitter instead? It would be balls cheaper to find out the news.

Assumption 4) Dairy Milk Louis has a terrible diet.

The only food in his house is a single onion and two bars of Dairy Milk. The only barrier between him and malnutrition is this one onion. What will he do after he’s come down from his chocolate-induced sugar high? Will he gently fry said onion in his own tears? Why does he have so many cooking utensils but no food to use them on? We do not know. We do not have these answers.

ADDITIONAL OBSERVATION: There are three (3) separate kettles in shot at one point.


Assumption 5) There’s no-one on the phone

Dairy Milk Louis, in his Dairy Milk haze, has hallucinated a conversation between him and a fictional being (possibly a Simon Cowell-esque god-type figure?) to give his life new structure and meaning. But this being does not exist. Dairy Milk Louis is forced to gleely spin forever in his beautiful kitchen with his weird newspapers and his many kettle-children. The future is not bright – but it is exceptionally purple.

P.S We actually love Cadbury’s, Louis Walsh and funny celebrity endorsement adverts, so don’t take this too seriously, yeah?

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