Ughhhhhh: James Franco writes another terrible thing about that time he didn’t have sex with Lindsay Lohan

Just when you thought we'd reached #PeakFranco


by Joel Golby |
Published on

And lo, it was said that one day, someone would roll their eyes so hard that those eyes would roll onto the floor and plant like seeds in the soil, and from that seed a human would be born, and that human would have kind of yellow teeth and write bad poetry and be just super into Instagram, and he would have a brother called Dave. And lo, in 1978, the prophecy did come to pass, and God looked down upon James Franco, and said it was good. Well, not good. He went, ‘I— man, what have I done here? Ha ha, oh boy. I have goofed this. I have made a right mess of this. I’ve already made Ethan Hawke. Did I need to make a stoned Ethan Hawke? I did not. And yet look. I’ve done it.’

And lo, it was said that one day, a Hollywood starlet would go so off that rails that the very concept of the rails would have to be redefined, and that she would go from cutesy Disney princess to falling apart shop-soiled mannequin in the space of a few short years, and that she would one day grow up and try and ultimately fail to have sex with James Franco one time in a hotel room. And lo, Lindsay Lohan was born, and she did try to have sex with James Franco in a hotel room, and she did ultimately fail.


And anyway fresh from writing a short story about that time he didn’t have sex with Lindsay Lohan in a hotel room, James Franco is back, this time with a poem about that time he didn’t have sex with Lindsay Lohan. James, you are past the Jesus age now! It is time for you to ascend! We don’t want or deserve your poetry!

His awful, awful, awful, awful poem reads, from the perspective of Lindsay:

"I took James back to the bathroom."

"You know why Amy put mirrors all around in here?"


"So you can watch yourself f--k"

"He didn't f--k me, that shit."

James Franco also wrote a short story about Anne Hathaway, four short stories about Sean Penn, a kind of literary diss track about RiFF RaFF, and something about Elizabeth Taylor. It’s all part of a book called Hollywood Dreaming: Stories, Pictures and Poems by James Franco, and if you buy that book, just know that you are part of the James Franco problem.

Just so you know, whilst we may receive a commission or other compensation from the links on this website, we never allow this to influence product selections - read why you should trust us