Vicky Pattison has a dig at Geordie Shore – says she needed better advice

Only Vicky sees that anal bleaching is daft “I’m just here to offer my support,” she explains, brusque as Mary Poppins, while Charlotte squeezes her hands tightly and tries not to think about having the better part of bottle of Toilet Duck shoved up her bumhole.

Vicky gets a plane proposal While it lasted, Vicky and Ricci’s love was hotter than a kebab that had been left out in the sun. They were a modern day Burton/Taylor, or, for our older readers, Same Difference. And because subtlety is for goons, Ricci asked her with a massive banner.

Vicky attacks a girl with a shoe This wasn’t great, but then who hasn’t looked at their heels and thought “I could really take someone out with these!”? We all went on a journey together, and learned violence never solves anything. Also, you’re less likely to lash out at someone when you’re wearing Converse.

Vicky is a good friend□ □We know Vicky does not ship Gaz and Chaz, to the point of being a metaphorical ship sinking iceberg. But she loves Charlotte enough to hang out in the loos with her and cuddle her when she has an early, regrettable intimate encounter with Mr Beadle. Little did Vicky know that Charlotte would be seeing more of Gaz’s underpants than the local launderette.

Vicky speaks Spanish.“All you've got to say when you're in Mexico is 'dos Jaegerbomb por favour' or 'dos vodka red bull por favour”. That is Vicky Pattison’s entire guide to Cancun.

Vicky is a relationship counselor It did not take our girl long to get frustrated with the Crosby/Beadle union, that was permanently threatening to come asunder. “Charlotte and Gaz are having another f**king argument about one of them pulling. In other shocking news water is wet.” She has such a lovely turn of phrase – we understand why she finds Shakespeare inspirational. "They're like Romeo and Juliet... if Romeo was a TWAT!" There you go.

Vicky thinks consistency is for idiots Vicky has always made it clear that to her, Gaz has less erotic appeal than a wet sack of kale with a face drawn on it. But eventually she got drunk and bored enough to drag him to the shag pad. Vicky is the patron saint of all our regrettable Christmas party conquests.

Vicky looks good in green The slackers of Made In Chelsea might get offices and interns, but in the old days, La Pattison had to hustle for dollar while dressed as a giant Fruit Pastille.

Vicky is fun on bus journeys “I've had marriage proposals, I've had c*** in my face!” beamed Vicky, who was making the most out of the mass transit systems of Newcastle, Australia. At this point, the bus had not left the terminal.

No-one tashes on like Vicky She’s swapped more saliva than a sneaky boy trading used Panini stickers. Vicky’s got the oral skills of a snake. One that supplements its diet of eggs with other, more docile snakes.

Vicky ought to be on Bake Off "Has Gary got a chocolate c*** that I don't know about? Some sort of Battenburg bell***?" she mused, trying to figure out just what it is that leads an unprecedented number of women to the contents of Gaz’s trousers. Vicky needs to be in the next series of GBBO – we want to see Mary B dealing with this.

Vicky is a sex siren Vicky is so good at the old rumpy whoopsy dance that a leading ‘sexpert’ confirmed her ‘arrival’ face expresses mad raunch skillz. We were not surprised.

Vicky invented a new genre of reality telly – fourth dimension hyper reality All our Christmasses, and A Level theatre studies recollections, came at once, when Vicky smashed the fourth wall and went on a date with Kirk-Off-TOWIE. If she could only see her way clear to snogging Spencer Matthews, she might change ‘real’ life as we know it forever.