I cannot enjoy the flavour of food.
I seek not the solace of flesh.
will.i.am sits to do a wee.
To me a flower is but a nuisance;
Sunlight the blossom’s accomplice.
will.i.am sits to do a wee.
Speak not of water-clad nymphs
Or days of joy and redemption
will.i.am sits to do a wee.
§
Oh, sorry! You just caught us writing poetry about the fact that will.i.am, a 39-year-old robot built by the Russians as a joke, wees sitting down. That’s what he tells The Telegraph, anyway, and they didn’t even ask.
“I didn’t need a dad around,” he told the paper, at the launch of his new Lexus, which was built by the Russians as a joke. “I had a mom around. For society to say that I needed a dad around is not acknowledging the power that a woman has, not understanding how freaking powerful women are and what they can do on their own. It’s as if by not having a dad around the outcome is going to be worse. No, that’s a societal limitation that we put on women. My mom is proof of that.”
Plus: “I sit down peeing, maybe I should be standing up. But, I don’t piss on the toilet!”
A lot of you are probably thinking, ‘How are those two things connected?’ You are probably thinking, ‘Hold on, does every man I know who grew up dadless pee sitting down?’ And the answer is, firmly, no. The valves built into will.bot 39 years ago are starting to fade, is all. He needs to ease his robo-joints down closer to the toilet, is all. “Ahh,” will.i.am is shouting, through an autotune, as he wees. “Daaaaaamn.” And with that mental image: goodnight.