Since Heavy D boomed his way into the Celebrity Big Brother house, we've been confused for two reasons. One – we have literally no idea who he is, and two – we have literally no idea how he thinks he has a chance with Chloe Khan.
But turns out the Storage Hunters "celeb" is very optimistic, and he's been banging on about fancying her an awful lot.
In tonight's episode, he writes her a poem – YES A POEM – and we took the liberty of transcribing it because we imagine you, like us, NEED THIS POEM IN YOUR LIFE.
"I know I may laugh and I know I may jest,
But there's something that I must confess.
It's not that you have a rather large chest,
But it is in fact you are a beautiful princess,
Chloe – in the morning you give me the horn,
You prance around like a unicorn,
I met you in CBB,
And since then I've been very happy"
YEP.
Is it just us or is it actually quite good?
While he was penning this beautiful verse, he was discussing his chances with her with Stephen Bear – who we all know is an expert on romance.
After pitching the line: "My name is Heavy and I wanna give you the D," Bear suggests that she might be up for getting it on imminently. Errrr…
Heavy D says: "Do you reckon she'll do it straight away?" and Bear replies: "I don't think tonight, I reckon a few more days."
But Chloe, like the rest of the world, isn't optimistic about his chances.
Speaking to Lewis Bloor earlier today (after refusing to kiss Heavy D on the lips in truth or dare – fair), she dismissed any potential for romance.
She said: "To be honest I just don't want to kiss him on TV or in private. I really like the guy, but I don't want to kiss him on the mouth.
Lewis replied: "He's not used to being around pretty girls. He's not used to rejection and actually understanding what's right and what's not right. If you pay him one compliment he takes that as 'oh maybe I'm in here.'"
Chloe said: "I think he thinks I'm totally into him and I just feel bad that he might think I've led him on, but I've just been like to him like I am with everyone else."
Heavy D sounds like a bit of a mare if you as us.
CBB continues tonight at 9pm on Channel 5.
READ MORE: Lewis Bloor and Marnie Simpson GOT IT ON in the store room