The hardware shop: great for getting those weird nails your dad keeps banging on about to shore up your badly erected DIY shelves, not so great for sexy times. Unless your name is Jamie Dornan or Dakota Johnson, then by all means, feel free to get down to business in any aisle that doesn’t contain sandpaper or saws.
Yeah, a new Fifty Shades Of Grey teaser has dropped and it shows Christian Grey surprising Ana Steele at the hardware store where she works part-time.
MORE Fifty Shades news for you all pervs:
He asks her to find a few bits and bobs for him – y’know, the usual stuff: cable ties, masking tape and a length of rope. Definitely nothing suspicious to raise red flags there. Definitely not the sort of thing a serial killer would keep in his garage.
If he’d approached us at a hardware shop with those requests, we’d be one roll of heavy-duty binliners away from calling the police. Which is probably why we’ve never found ourselves in an bestselling erotic fiction series.
YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS LOT!
Anyway, Fifty Shades Of Grey hits UK cinemas on Friday 14 February – and if you pick up this week’s heat, out today, there’s a MASSIVE SPREAD (fnar) on all things FSOG.
8 best bits from 50 Shades Of Grey trailer
8 best bits from 50 Shades of Grey trailer
1 of 8Our first look at Christian Grey
Despite Jamie Dornan playing a pretty successful businessman - one who can afford stuff like red rooms of pain and fancy cars and that - it appears he actually does no work in his office. Where's his computer? Printer? Even a photocopier used to copy the bottoms of naughty subs? All that prime commercial retail space and all he's plonked in it is a weirdly overgrown bonsai tree and an MDF desk. On the plus side, that shiny floor + spinny office chair = hella hours of fun
2 of 8How many meeting areas does he need in one office?
Does he hold simultaneous meetings with two groups of people? Because that's impressive. And would explain all the money. But what's that in the far corner? A totem pole? Art? A massive sex toy?
3 of 8Inappropriately placed trombone
Brilliant.
4 of 8Rita Ora's weird bob
Did she think she was auditioning for the Great Gatsby instead? Awkward.
5 of 8Topless Jamie Dornan
Yep. Ain't nothing wrong with this view.
6 of 8Ana's plane face
We wish we could be this excited whenever we get on an easyJet flight.
7 of 8Followed by her Red Room of Pain face
Hmm.
8 of 8That sofa
Followed by her 'Argh, stop tickling my feet' face. We presume that's what he's doing to her. Though we're a little concerned about the sheer amount of red pleather next to all that bare flesh. Clearly Christian hasn't thought through the consequences of this interior design theme. Yes, it's wipe-clean, but just think of the raw chafing when you finally peel your sweaty bits off that couch. Can't we interest you in a nice washable sofabed from Ikea instead?