Back with a a pretty literal bang (more on that in a minute), episode three of Broadchurch was actually prefaced with a 'bad language and sex' warning grabbed popcorn and wine. Here's the third of our blagger's guides so you can pretend you were watching, even if you were really tuning into the mindblowingly bizarre antics over on CBB…
1. That Claire is a big fat LIAR...
2 ...and a really bad influence
In an attempt to bond with Claire and get some of those secrets out, Ellie went on a drunken night out. Unfortunately for her - and for us - Claire persuaded her to bring home a bag of chips and a dodgy random. Cue some pretty sad, pretty toe-curling bed action. Followed by a cuppa and a mini cry.
3. Ellie finally stopped crying
Well, apart from during the bad sex, and started YELLING instead. It was a shock to hear the usually mousy Miller call time on everyone blaming her for everything awful that ever happened, like, ever and start screaming at Hardy. In the ensuing barney, she delivered the possibly unintentionally funny, but definitely killer, line "Fine - take the car! I hope you have a crash AND have a heart attack while crashing." Hurrah!
4. Both lawyers have secrets of their own
After M J-B's mysterious phone call last week, an early morning visit to prison revealed that her son is inside, and with six years to go, it must have been summat a bit serious. And Charlotte Rampling is at it, too - she was seen feeding someone we assume is her mum, and avoiding a nursing home bill she clearly can't pay. All that before crashing her car into a ditch after some pretty p**s poor driving. Suddenly, luring her out of retirement to get Joe sent down doesn't seem like the best idea.
5. Lee really might NOT have done it
Despite some fairly underhand shenanigans involving moody Lee making moody Hardy squirm by getting him in trouble with the police (dragging moodily on his B&H all the while), he later turned up at Hardy's pad with a carrier bag chock-full of alternate suspects on the disappearance of the Sandbrook girls. Tellingly, he also declared he had nothing to do with Claire's rubbish drawer liner/obviously a clue pressed bluebell. So who did send it?
6. Ellie had a very bad day in court
Before she took to the stand, a steely Charlotte R warned Ellie "don't get emotional". That's like asking a cat not to be catlike, a dog not to be doggish and Perez Hilton not to be batsh*t crazy. She managed to give little more than a lip wobble for the most part, then M J-B dropped a bombshell and accused Ellie and Hardy of having an affair. WE WISH! Even though we know they weren't up to anything in his hotel room, Ellie wasn't able to satisfactorily explain what they were doing for two hours, leaving everyone - including hubby Joe - to picture the scene of what might have been. Or was that just us...
Next week: Ellie's new-found potty mouth gets even pottier, Claire's behaviour gets ever more suspicious and Hardy's beard reaches full-on Shoreditch hipster proportions. But you'll wait and see...