As you will know if you read the papers, Britain is under siege from a plague of ghostly, otherworldly, black-eyed ghost children. This is real. This is a fact. What will we remember 2014 for? We will remember it for i. selfies ii. people dying of the ice bucket challenge iii. black-eyed ghost children, one of which haunts every home in England.
And it’s not just normal people like you who are in danger of being killed and absorbed into the black-eyed ghost children motherlode: good people, celebrity people, are at risk, too. Specifically: Caroline Flack off of Strictly Come Dancing.
Caroline Flack off of* Strictly Come Dancing* is being haunted by a black-eyed ghost child. This is real. This is a fact.
Yesterday, Caroline uploaded a photo to Instagram where she is posing in a dance studio — ONLY THERE IS A MYSTERIOUS MYSTERY ORB BY HER LEG. There are three theories as to what this mysterious mystery orb could be:
i. It could be a bit of dust or a ray of light refracted through a piece of dust or a smudge on the mirror (likelihood: unlikely)
ii. It could be the screaming ghostly face of a from-the-abyss spirit not of our realm (likelihood: unlikely)
iii. It could be a black-eyed ghost child (likelihood: LIKELY)
Fans soon picked up on the fact that Caroline was being relentlessly pursued by the undead, and it was widely reported that she was under threat from spirits unknown.
For her part, since the haunted-by-black-eyed-ghost-children story broke, Caroline has been playing the clueless fool, tweeting the BBC to say, “huh????????” and then, later: “I have no idea what this story is ?!” Do you really have no idea what this story is, Caroline? OR HAVE YOU ALREADY BEEN CONSUMED BY THE BLACK-EYED GHOST CHILDREN, AND THEY ARE USING YOU AS A MARIONETTE THROUGH WHICH THEY CAN COMMUNICATE WITH OUR WORLD?
In short: Caroline Flack is no more, and instead it is very likely that when she is crowned Strictly winner this year, we’ll actually be handing a mirrorball trophy to a haunted child, thus putting in action a series of events that will see us, in just six short months, being ruled over by a black-eyed ghost prime minister, and within a year Britain will be on fire and in ruins, and none of us will have colour in our eyes, and everyone will be dead. Happy Thursday.