Did you ever imagine that BDSM would become so mainstream? Everywhere you go you see old men being spanked in the street by German dominatrixes, adult babies cheerfully picking up fags in Tesco, leather-clad couples joyfully doing unprintable things to each other with root vegetables on the 12A into town. What is this world coming to?
At least, this is what we think we’ll be writing in roughly 12 months’ time, after Fifty Shades Of Grey has come out and sexually liberated us all. We’ll be naked, clearly, because the government will have lifted restrictions on public nudity, and low self-esteem won’t exist anymore, so loads of counsellors will be out of jobs.
More Fifty Shades news? Go on then
Anyway, enough of this speculative nonsense. Look! There’s a new Fifty Shades trailer out – and this one’s EVEN MORE EXPLICIT than any of the others.
With just one month to go before the E L James-inspired bonkbuster hits UK screens, the film’s stars – Jamie Dornan as the brooding Christian Grey, and Dakota Johnson as the timid Ana Steele – are no doubt preparing their hideaways to stay away from the paparazzi.
Catch Fifty Shades Of Grey at cinemas across the UK on February 13 2015.
GALLERY: 8 best bits from the Fifty Shades Of Grey trailer
8 best bits from 50 Shades of Grey trailer
1 of 8Our first look at Christian Grey
Despite Jamie Dornan playing a pretty successful businessman - one who can afford stuff like red rooms of pain and fancy cars and that - it appears he actually does no work in his office. Where's his computer? Printer? Even a photocopier used to copy the bottoms of naughty subs? All that prime commercial retail space and all he's plonked in it is a weirdly overgrown bonsai tree and an MDF desk. On the plus side, that shiny floor + spinny office chair = hella hours of fun
2 of 8How many meeting areas does he need in one office?
Does he hold simultaneous meetings with two groups of people? Because that's impressive. And would explain all the money. But what's that in the far corner? A totem pole? Art? A massive sex toy?
3 of 8Inappropriately placed trombone
Brilliant.
4 of 8Rita Ora's weird bob
Did she think she was auditioning for the Great Gatsby instead? Awkward.
5 of 8Topless Jamie Dornan
Yep. Ain't nothing wrong with this view.
6 of 8Ana's plane face
We wish we could be this excited whenever we get on an easyJet flight.
7 of 8Followed by her Red Room of Pain face
Hmm.
8 of 8That sofa
Followed by her 'Argh, stop tickling my feet' face. We presume that's what he's doing to her. Though we're a little concerned about the sheer amount of red pleather next to all that bare flesh. Clearly Christian hasn't thought through the consequences of this interior design theme. Yes, it's wipe-clean, but just think of the raw chafing when you finally peel your sweaty bits off that couch. Can't we interest you in a nice washable sofabed from Ikea instead?