Hello and welcome to heatworld’s Smut O’C(l)ock hour, in which we discuss the many the myriad ways in which Fifty Shades Of Grey star Jamie Dornan packaged up his, uh, package during filming for the upcoming bonkblockbuster.
Yep. Because of stuff like ‘the law’ and ‘rules’ and that, you’re not allowed to show actual erect naked penises on the big screen (unless you frequent a certain type of cinema, and heat wouldn’t know anything about that). So Jamie’s meat n’ two veg underwent a process we shall henceforth be calling ‘grape-bagging’ in order to comply with film regulations. No, we haven’t Urban Directionaryed that term yet. No, we don’t want to either.
Speaking to February’s issue of GQ, the 32-year-old explained: “Your dignity is intact as much as it’s all tucked away in a little flesh-coloured bag.
“As a guy you put all your essentials in a little bag and you tie it up like a little bag of grapes and it’s tucked away. It’s quite a peculiar thing to do every day.”
Let’s all take a moment to envisage that, shall we? In the mean time, here's loads more Fifty Shades news:
Jamie went on to talk about his first impressions of a real-life sex dungeon, which he enjoyed with a “lukewarm beer” while watching a dom “have some fun” with his sub.
“There's weirder s**t than that. I think plane-spotting is far weirder than S&M. That I really don't get. I can understand why people are into S&M, but standing outside Heathrow Terminal 5 waiting for Ryanair to come in? [Nope.]"
Yeah, but plane-spotters probably aren’t climaxing to the smooth lines of a Boing 747 flying overheard, are they Jamie? Although, on second thoughts…
8 best bits from the Fifty Shades Of Grey trailer
8 best bits from 50 Shades of Grey trailer
1 of 8Our first look at Christian Grey
Despite Jamie Dornan playing a pretty successful businessman - one who can afford stuff like red rooms of pain and fancy cars and that - it appears he actually does no work in his office. Where's his computer? Printer? Even a photocopier used to copy the bottoms of naughty subs? All that prime commercial retail space and all he's plonked in it is a weirdly overgrown bonsai tree and an MDF desk. On the plus side, that shiny floor + spinny office chair = hella hours of fun
2 of 8How many meeting areas does he need in one office?
Does he hold simultaneous meetings with two groups of people? Because that's impressive. And would explain all the money. But what's that in the far corner? A totem pole? Art? A massive sex toy?
3 of 8Inappropriately placed trombone
Brilliant.
4 of 8Rita Ora's weird bob
Did she think she was auditioning for the Great Gatsby instead? Awkward.
5 of 8Topless Jamie Dornan
Yep. Ain't nothing wrong with this view.
6 of 8Ana's plane face
We wish we could be this excited whenever we get on an easyJet flight.
7 of 8Followed by her Red Room of Pain face
Hmm.
8 of 8That sofa
Followed by her 'Argh, stop tickling my feet' face. We presume that's what he's doing to her. Though we're a little concerned about the sheer amount of red pleather next to all that bare flesh. Clearly Christian hasn't thought through the consequences of this interior design theme. Yes, it's wipe-clean, but just think of the raw chafing when you finally peel your sweaty bits off that couch. Can't we interest you in a nice washable sofabed from Ikea instead?