WHAT THE FLIPPING 'ECK ARE YOU PLAYING AT, GEORGE R.R. MARTIN?
We're not sure if you've noticed, but those little Game Of Thrones scribbles you did have become quite the big deal, and not just for the superfan who built a Game Of Thrones toilet.
There's quite a few people waiting on that next book y'know, George? Since the Song Of Fire And Ice series became the most popular written text in the entire English language, a few folk are a bit invested in what happens next. In fact, you've taken so bloody long, you've been overtaken by the TV show, which started over FOUR YEARS ago. FOUR YEARS, GEORGE. FOUR.
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So why the hell are you filming cameos in *Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No *when you should be chained to your desk typing away getting The Winds Of Winter - AKA the next book - done? Huh? HUH GEORGE? ANSWER US THAT.
Alright, let's have a look at this cameo. Maybe popping up in a ridiculous movie about sharks trapped in a tornado, starring David Hasselhoff and them Jedwards, has somehow inspired you to add more colour, drama and hammy celebrities to the GOT series. Maybe this will be a good thing.
So here you are, gazing at a three-headed shark, as it's the third movie, or the "threequel" if you're one of those awful people that work in marketing and say things like "threequel". Did that three-headed shark give you the idea to write in a three-headed dragon, George? Were you subbing page 367 of The Winds Of Winter just out of shot, and not actually looking at any sharks, at all? No? NO? WHY THE HELL NOT, GEORGE R.R. MARTIN?!
And here you are, pretending to be eaten by a terrible CGI shark, next to a bride, except it looks like you're doing something else, doesn't it George? It looks like you're play-acting another terrible and shocking death for The Winds Of Winter, right? Maybe this is a scene where one of those flipping dragons is FINALLY going to swing past Westeros and eat Cersei's guts. Is that right? Did we guess it, George? NO. THEN WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING?
And now what? Oh, a fake shark flies by and bites off your head? Your head. Your actual human head. You need that to write Game Of Thrones stories, George. The head and brain and thinking parts of your body are generally quite key to that whole writing process, buddy. But wait, where's that blood going? Splashing onto the bride who's inexplicably stood next to you. A bit like the Red Wedding. The Red Wedding from A Storm Of Swords? Those Game Of Thrones books you're neglecting? GREAT.
Was that meant to be fan service, George R.R. Martin? You know what would really be fan service? FINISHING THOSE SODDING BOOKS. Now off you go, let's forget this Sharknado 3 thing ever happened. The movie is out now, people can go and watch it if they want. No need to waste anymore time plugging it. We've got it covered. Now go to your house, burn your phone, lock your doors, close your curtains, boot up your computer and write the damn book, George. We'll post some sustenance through the letterbox once we see some progess.