Great British Bake Off week 1: See who got booted off (and why Mary Berry got super-sassy!)

Forget the excitement inside the tent: literally all anyone was looking out for during the opening credits was this little fella and his, er, stash of nuts. It looked a bit like he was sitting on a squirrel-sized space-hopper, but they were actually his genitals. Still blows our mind.

Someone actually made an official complaint about the number of Smeg fridges spotted on the programme, saying it amounted to product promotion. This, quite literally, was the most British complaint ever written of all time. FRIDGES, FFS.

We don’t think of these two as anything other than BFFs who stay in a giant marquee talking about cakes year-round until the BBC camera crew come and find them again. But Mary and Paul allegedly had a huge behind-the-scenes barney about their respective talents in the kitchen, specifically about cupcakes. Incredible, yes. Presenter Mel confirmed that it took the fiery pair FOUR HOURS to put aside their differences and get on with filming. We like to think it was resolved with a good old-fashioned arm wrestle, which Mary – naturally – won.

Poor Yasmin Limbert had a right mare when she was making her croquembouche, burning her hand on the white-hot caramel. As if a maimed limb wasn’t enough to be dealing with, she then managed to tip a load of cold water into the sweet mixture while running her hand under the tap, so it was totally ruined.

Rob Billington dropped his beautiful chocolate cake just as it was about to be presented to the judges, and a million people screeched “FIVE-SECOND RULE!” at their TV sets in unison.

John Whaite was forced to withdraw from the strudel round after getting a nasty nip from his mixer. He had to be led off to get medical treatment despite begging to be allowed to stay on and finish his bake. Poor love.

Potentially the most British theft ever: the contestants were asked to present a trifle, and everything was going swimmingly until Howard realised his custard had gone missing. Turns out Deborah had accidentally taken it out of the fridge and used it on her own dessert, leading to her being sent home IN DISGRACE. Her parting words were magical: “It kicked off with the wrong custard and from then on it was a cascade of misery.”

The GBBO contestants have always tried breaking boundaries with their ingredients, but Ali Imdad really took the proverbial biscuit when he inadvertently left some clingfilm in his fruit pie. D’ough!

Loads of people noticed that Paul’s piercing blue gaze would often fall on super-talented contestant Ruby Tandoh, and wondered whether he was perhaps a little smitten with her firm buns. Even Michelin-starred chef Raymond Blanc got involved, sparking a Twitter war with Ruby when he said she was “too thin to love great cooking”. What a pillock.

We’re still really into Norman, the elderly chap who hadn’t been baking for very long when he bagged a place in the GBBO line-up. Norm gained a huge groundswell of support for his simple dishes, but the best bits were when he a) said pesto was “exotic” and b) declared tiramisu to be one of the best culinary experiences of his life. He served up some serious sass too – remember when he uttered the magical phrase, “It’s a bit like how some people are nice-looking on the outside and rotten in the middle. My puddings are the opposite of that”? We heart Norman.

This was possibly the biggest controversy the BBC has ever faced (aside from, er, Jimmy Savile). Viewers, columnists and lovers of Iain Watters’ bushy beard were OUTRAGED when the camera appeared to show Diana Beard taking Iain’s Baked Alaska out of the fridge before it had set, resulting in him chucking the whole lot in the bin. The Beeb was later forced to set the record straight after Diana got DEATH THREATS on Twitter, confirming that she’d only removed it from its icy cave for a minute. It still pulled in 800 complaints to Ofcom, though. That’s eight hundred separate people who were mad enough about the treatment of a frozen dessert to get out of their armchair and pen a letter to the national watchdog.