How to do January like a celebrity

January. It’s f*cking awful. All those pious eejits in the office waffling about low-carbing. The relentless drizzle all up in your grill. Knobs insisting on telling you about their Dry January exploits, like a) you even care and b) you’re not physically repulsed by the idea of giving up booze when there’s no need to.

But listen: some people have excellent Januarys. Some people – and we’re talking about rich, famous people here, because this is heatworld and this is what we do – some people are able to escape the disgusting awfulness of January in the UK and actually enjoy themselves.

So we’ve carefully studied just how these celebs get away with their lovely start to the year to see if we can replicate it ourselves. Let’s have a look…

1. Get your nips out

If it's good enough for Caroline Flack, it's good enough for you. You might not have access to a gorgeous sun-drenched Miami pool, so why not hop on the Megacoach to Newcastle to find the Drummond Puddle. Take your clothes off and bask in internet fame forever.

2. Do Celebrity Big Brother

Alright, so you’re not famous. That hasn’t stopped most of this year’s CBB cast though, has it? Fine, OK, we hear you. Instead, why not replicate the experience by moving into your mate’s house for the rest of the month? Piss off her mum by eating all her food and saying ‘witty’ things into all the mirrors. Start fights with all her family members and make sure you sulk in the garden at least twice a day.

3. Find a waterfall

Poor Myleene Klass must find it really hard to stay dry on a daily basis, given how many times she seems to end up in bodies of water. Doesn't stop her looking reet glamorous though. Get her January look by staying in the shower ALL DAY while you cry about your life choices and attempt to regress back to infanthood.

4. Just piss off on a massive holiday with all your mates

Alright: you've got no cash, no pals with a private jet, literally no way to escape this awful, awful country, with its rain and its wind and its shit bread and its lack of vitamin D. What can you do? Dress up in holiday clothes, get the cocktail kit out and whack the dance anthems on for a group selfie. It’s pretty much the same, right?

5. Try a new trend

Abbey Clancy's woollen bikini might not be practical, but we're sure your nan would be happy to whip one up for you. Maybe she could do one for us, too?

6. Have a go at a weird fitness regime

Nothing like a downward dog when you're hanging over the railings down your local park, right?

7. Broaden your mind with #travel

Weekend in Bognor Regis, anyone? Anyone at all? No?

8. Just #lovelife with your tiny, tiny dogs

Any dog will do. NB. heat does NOT recommend pinching pooches.

9. Go skiing, yah?

What do you mean you've never been skiing before? It's easy: next time we get a super-cold night, just chuck water all over your driveway and wait for it to freeze over. Sellotape a couple of banana skins to your feet and get out there! Try not to break your neck though, yeah?

10. Get your face around some gastronomic delights

Oh yeah, except we've got no money, have we? Wetherspoons curry club it is, then.

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