The X Factor (Saturday & Sunday, ITV, 8pm)
This weekend is all about Judges’ Houses (or “judges’ herms” as Cheryl calls it) and of course this means Louis, Cheryl, Mel B and Simon are plonked down in a random location where they run the rule over the acts hoping to make it through to next week’s live shows. Maybe they should all it ‘Judges’ Arbitrary Places’. Although while Mel B is in Cancun, and Louis is in Bermuda, and Cheryl is in Nice, Simon actually is in his home (or one of his homes) in La-La Land. Try not to be distracted by his slick interiors while you watch him and Sinitta trying to be positive about the Overs.
Strictly Come Dancing (BBC1, Saturday, 6.20pm & Sunday, 7.20pm)
Over in sequin-and-lycra land, Tess and Claud are doing a storming job with Strictly and this weekend will be the first time one of the celebs gets voted off, even though it feels like the series has been on for weeks already. With all 15 acts performing on the same show, it goes on for two hours and ten minutes: a major challenge for the writers to come up with enough puns for those links, although they’re possibly relieved not to have to come up with a Brucie-style gag for every single act.
Doctor Who (BBC1, Saturday, 8.30pm)
This week’s Doctor Who is one of the barmiest ever. And I say that as a proud Whovian (aka total Who geek). It starts off routinely enough, with a trip to the Moon for the Doctor and Clara, but once it becomes clear the Moon is crumbling to pieces, and that there are giant lethal spiders all over the place, and that some people from Earth in the future want to plant loads of nuclear bombs, it all gets very weird indeed. The climax and explanation of what the hell is going on is jaw-droppingly bold. Some will say it’s totally ludicrous. It is. I loved it.
Downton Abbey (ITV, Sunday, 9pm)
Kudos to Downton creator Julian Fellowes for giving Dame Maggie Smith the juiciest storylines and scenes yet in this fifth series. This Sunday’s episode gives her the chance to ratchet up her rivalry with her supposed friend Isobel (played with total conviction by Penelope Wilton) and the Dame revels in her character’s awfulness. As for Lady Mary, be warned: she’s actually going to sleep with her beau Lord Gillingham outside of wedlock so she can see if they’re “compatible”. Scandalous. But we can’t blame her when Gillingham is played by hot Tom Cullen off of excellent Indie gay romance Weekend.
And don’t forget…
The film The Descendents is on Channel 4 on Sunday at 9pm, if you’ve been so excited by George Clooney’s recent nuptials and want to remind yourself about his acting. He plays a family man in Hawaii discovering his wife, who’s in a coma, has been having an affair. Someone cheating on Clooney? Ludicrous.