Listen up, because we’re about to talk about periods. Monthlies. The curse. Getting the painters in. Having Aunt Flo to stay for the week. Lady woes.
Yes, the humble period is getting yet another bashing this week, as the powers that be have decided no mention of it must be made in the upcoming Fifty Shades Of Grey film. Even though IRL Ana Steele would HAVE to take a few days out of being BDSMed each month to just eat bucketloads of chocolate and cry at Tesco running out of clotted cream.
And that infamous tampon scene from E L James’ book is being CUT from the movie, according to director Sam Taylor-Johnson.
“It didn’t make it into the movie. It was never even discussed,” she said during an interview with Variety.
Producer Michael De Luca agrees. “The book needed to put you in Ana’s shoes to be a successful experience. A lot of it was very literal. The movie didn’t need to do that. It’s a completely different medium.”
Do you… um. Do you need reminding of that bit of the book? Maybe bite down on your hand if you’re feeling slightly squeamish.
His breathing is ragged, matching mine. “When did you start your period, Anastasia?” he asks out of the blue, gazing down at me. “Err… yesterday,” I mumble .... He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string and gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy f***. And then he’s inside me.
Yep. So weird that they didn’t include that chapter. Can’t really think why?
Anyway, luckily Variety also asked Jamie Dornan (who plays Christian Grey in the film) about his sex face, and we got to learn what that was like for him.
“It’s the worst thing imaginable. For all the reasons anyone would think, most people would like to keep their sex face private. The idea of a million people seeing THAT! I hope it happens fast,” he added.
Fifty Shades Of Grey hits cinemas on Friday 13 February – but you could be in with a chance of winning FOUR tickets to the London premiere (and seeing Jamie and Dakota Johnson IN THE FLESH) in our competition. Click here for deets.
Loads more Fifty Shades news:
8 best bits from the trailer
8 best bits from 50 Shades of Grey trailer
1 of 8Our first look at Christian Grey
Despite Jamie Dornan playing a pretty successful businessman - one who can afford stuff like red rooms of pain and fancy cars and that - it appears he actually does no work in his office. Where's his computer? Printer? Even a photocopier used to copy the bottoms of naughty subs? All that prime commercial retail space and all he's plonked in it is a weirdly overgrown bonsai tree and an MDF desk. On the plus side, that shiny floor + spinny office chair = hella hours of fun
2 of 8How many meeting areas does he need in one office?
Does he hold simultaneous meetings with two groups of people? Because that's impressive. And would explain all the money. But what's that in the far corner? A totem pole? Art? A massive sex toy?
3 of 8Inappropriately placed trombone
Brilliant.
4 of 8Rita Ora's weird bob
Did she think she was auditioning for the Great Gatsby instead? Awkward.
5 of 8Topless Jamie Dornan
Yep. Ain't nothing wrong with this view.
6 of 8Ana's plane face
We wish we could be this excited whenever we get on an easyJet flight.
7 of 8Followed by her Red Room of Pain face
Hmm.
8 of 8That sofa
Followed by her 'Argh, stop tickling my feet' face. We presume that's what he's doing to her. Though we're a little concerned about the sheer amount of red pleather next to all that bare flesh. Clearly Christian hasn't thought through the consequences of this interior design theme. Yes, it's wipe-clean, but just think of the raw chafing when you finally peel your sweaty bits off that couch. Can't we interest you in a nice washable sofabed from Ikea instead?