EastEnders. Blimey. That's taken over the world hasn't it? EVERYONE'S talking about it. That's the tagline right?
Well, mathematically, not everyone. Just by virtue of there being more than 60 million people in this country. And (while they're incredible figures, sure) 9.6 million people watching Tuesday's episode isn't everyone.
Which means some of us haven't really watched Eastenders since we were at University and couldn't get out of bed unless it was one of our six teaching hours a week. In essence, lots of us last remember Lucy Beale looking like THIS...
Tonight, EastEnders is on for a whole hour and a half at 7.30pm for an hour and 9.30pm for half an hour . And while we're sure it's going to be incredible (please don't get us wrong), we hate being that person who's constantly going "Who's that again?" or "Oh I get it... it's his SON". So, if you have to go into the other room and watch something else (books, pah!) here's what we suggest you could watch.
If you do care who killed Lucy...
The Good Wife, More4, 9pm
It's a whole story for another blog, but just trust us. This is the greatest TV show of all time (writer's prejudice? Definitely not). This week Alicia is seriously thinking about running for State's Attorney. Which is just... pantwettingly exciting.
If you've not caught the majesty that is The Good Wife yet, maybe tonight is the night to crack on with the box set. You will not regret it.
We like to imagine these are Alicia's views on Who Killed Lucy Beale...
Cucumber, Channel 4, 9pm
heat's Boyd Hilton made this one of his picks of the day. Which is enought for us. Tonight, he says, Lance's flirtation with his hot "straight" colleague Daniel comes to a head and Henry "starts to find the edifice of his secrets and lies is crashing around him". That sounds good right?
Oh and HAI FREDDIE FOX
Fortitude, Sky Atlantic, 9pm
Do you have any idea what's going? Not us either. But it sure looks pretty. And it's nice seeing that woman from The Killing wearing something that's not a huge jumper, isn't it?
This week Darren Boyd comes more to the fore, which we like. And apparently this week Morton (Stanley Tucci) tries to get control of the murder investigation. And quite frankly, we'd really like it if he did please.
This is irrelevant, but made us laugh.
UEFA Europa League Live: Liverpool vs Besiktas, ITV, 7.45pm
Yep football - and what? It's the first leg of Liverpool's foray into the last-32 and little beats a European night at Anfield. And how often do you get to watch live football on terrestrial television, hey?
We make no apologies.
Steven Gerrard is injured, but we made this anyway.
X Factor: The Official Sales 20, heat TV, 7pm
Woah! Will Steve Brookstein feature? That's the big mystery of this TV extravaganza over on heat TV.
And who doesn't love a countdown that you can sing and dance along to?
Add some friends. Add wine. You've got a party, my friend.