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Hiya, how’s it going? Good, great. Wanna see something really gross? How about Celebrity Big Brother’s resident lovers Stevi Ritchie and Chloe-Jasmine Whichello basically engaging in the act of frottage right on camera?
Yeah? Feeling sick yet? Cool. Well here's a look at the very moment the gruesome twosome got frisky:
Yup. Those are Stevi's disembodied hands robotically touching his fiancee's breasts. You can almost taste the passion, can't you?
Let's break it down. Stevi and Chloe haven't enjoyed the penetrative act of lovemaking since coming into the CBB house 28 long days ago. Stevi is so beyond 'blue balls' that he's actually a medical marvel.
This was them yesterday in the storage room - the room the housemates keep all their food and non-perishable goods, FYI:
So... sexy, no? So terribly, terribly sexy. All that sex they're going to have. Sexy sex. Look how much Chloe's looking forward to it.
Oof. Oh no. Oh, that's obscene.
Good god.
In tonight's CBB 2015 finale, we'll see all the remaining housemates toast each other and get weepy about their "journeys" and their "bonds" and that.
Stevi, rather than pay tribute to his other housemates, only has words for Chloe.
"Me and Chlo were asked to do this as a couple and I had a lot of doubts," he'll tell the room.
"It's a big risk. It could either make or break your relationship, but you know what, for me I thought it would break us but it has made us a lot lot stronger."
Aww? Are we supposed to aww at that?
"I just love you more and more each day. I wake up next to you, even the smell of our breaths don’t matter, even without the make-up and all the glitz and glam of you," he'll continue.
"I just love waking up to you and I just can't wait until I get married to you and hopefully have a little bubba."
BLEURGH. BLEUUUURRRGH. Nope. That's it. We're never having sex again. EVER.
Celebrity Big Brother's 13 weirdest moments
Celebrity Big Brother's 13 weirdest moments
1 of 18Feltz Meltz
In the first ever CBB in 2001 Vanessa Feltz has a meltdown and scrawls posh words all over a table:□
2 of 18Na Na Neigh!
Dappy 'windmills' after jumping in the pool with Luisa.□
3 of 18Heeeeeeere's Jackie!
Jackie Stallone's shock arrival in the house in 2003 was accompanied by the immortal line: 'Yeaaaah, Jaaaackie!'□
4 of 18And the award for Politician of the Year goes to...
George Galloway pretended to be a pussy-cat in 2006. A nation shuddered.
5 of 18Poppadomgate
Jade vs Shilpa in 2007 led to one of the most controversial CBB moments EVER and to Jade's silent eviction from the house.
6 of 18Naked man alert!
Alex Reid gets a fake tan in the buff in 2010□
7 of 18Jedward in their pants
Jedward get vajazzled by Amy Childs in 2011.□
8 of 18Julie takes a trip to the fruitbowl
Julie Goodyear gets a little too personal with a banana in 2012 □
9 of 18Frankie doesn't go to Hollywood
Frankie Cocozza and Nicola Maclean get hot in the hot tub in 2012.□
10 of 18Lauren takes a tumble
Lauren Harries tripping up constantly in 2013.
11 of 18Leo Sayer breaks out of CBB because of dirty pants
Yep, Leo skipped out of the CBB house because of his dirty pants. Erm, every heard of a washing machine L? Sayer popped into the diary room to “humbly request” new underwear as he didn’t want to use the CBB house’s washing facilities. When Big Brother refused, Sayer smashed the fire doors open and proceeded to struggle with two hefty security guards while shouting obscenities. Sounds too good to be true, right? Well, here's some video evidence:
12 of 18Darryn Lyons weird, lumpy, bumpy "abs"
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" was our general reaction to Darryn Lyon's lumpy, bumpy abs. Unsurprisingly the celebrity photographer admitted on the show that he had undergone a “contouring” procedure to remove fat around his muscles and give impression of abs. WOAH, so they're not natural? Get outta town! No, please, literally get out of town. We're terrified.
13 of 18Verne Troyer drink driving
Verne Troyer has a head-on collision with the diary room after getting a bit tipsy. Then someone remixed it and set it to dance music. Cheers, internet.
14 of 18The ultimate nightmare
2015 was the ‘Freak Show’ within a freak show as Katie and Katie buried the hatchet over their shopping task to become a two-headed monster.
15 of 18Botched boob job agony
Katie needed a little extra support to collect her crown. "They wanted to pull me from the show, I had a really bad medical problem." No kidding.
16 of 18Perez in panties
Perez Hilton had blazing rows with Calum and Katie. Oh, and danced in his dinosaur pants.
17 of 18Drawn to each other
Summer 2015 brought us CBB’s best ever bromance. James Hill and Austin Armacost got down and dirty in bed, in play-fights, in a striptease…all over really.
18 of 18Only this big
Stevi Ritchie revealed nasty secrets about his mini manhood, glow in the dark condoms (they light up your face!) and why sex with fiancé Chloe is like “going through the Dartford Tunnel”.