As the Volvo of Doom fades in from the Swedish fogbank that heralds the Game Of Thrones opening credits, we fly over the clockwork map and travel across the Narrow Sea to begin in Essos...
In Meereen
Sorry, looks like they didn't both make it after last week's cliffhanger. While Missandei tends to a love-sick (and stabbed-sick) Grey Worm, Dany mourns Barristan the Bold and barbecues a former Master alive in the dragon vaults.
But the Targaryens are nothing if not unpredictable: she then performs a U-turn so extreme that former Master Hizdahr zo Loraq (the cute one from Plebs and* Trollied*) can pretty much feel the G-forces as he goes from grovelling dragon-food to Dany's fiancé in the space of four seconds.
At the wall
“Kill the boy!” shouts Maester Aemon to Jon. Don't worry, he isn't taking after his great-nephew Aerys, he only means for Jon to kill the boy inside. Be a man. Rarrr. First order of business: persuading the Wildlings to join their sworn enemies the Night's Watch in order to fight the White Walkers, and vice versa.
Stannis, meanwhile, has some questions for Sam about those White Walkers. Turns out they have dragonglass on Dragonstone (his home island). Well they would, wouldn't they?
GOT GOODNESS
In the North
Can we just menton how much we're (platonically) shipping Brienne and Podrick? We would happily watch them bitching about Honour or Duty or even sausages for an hour. But there's other business afoot: Brienne talks an old fella into sneaking a message into Winterfell. Meanwhile, naked psycho Ramsay tells his naked psycho girlfriend (the kennelman's daughter) about his new fiancée Sansa, which doesn't go down well. Judging by his somewhat abrupt rumpo technique, neither does Ramsay himself, we imagine.
But what's that chained up in the kennels, Sansa? It's only Theon! Or Reek, rather, because Theon's gone away for the time being. Better not mention sausages in front of him either, it's a sensitive area. So to speak.
In the boat
Jorah and Tyrion drift through the ruins of ancient Valyria, quoting poetry to each other. Their punishment for this is to be attacked by Stone Men (former people who have fallen victim to the same disease as Stannis' daughter) and Jorah gets touched by a Stone Man, meaning he's got the lurgy now. This is like when Tyrese got bitten on The Walking Dead, except we'll miss Jorah.
Game Of Thones Episode Five - Kill The Boy
1 of 5Sam gets his learning on
"But will these dusty books ever show me the way to a woman's heart? Better just check."
2 of 5Maester Aemon. A hundred years old and no telegram from the Queen
"Is Countdown on yet? I've had my pills."
3 of 5Brienne. Nearly as big as a door.
"If you're not on the list, you're not coming in."
4 of 5Roose Bolton models the latest in medieval puffa jackets
"Uh, you know your son's a psycho, right, my lord?"
5 of 5Jon Snow, styling his hair to match his coat
"I remember when this were all fields"