Imagine walking into the Geordie Shore house at 3am on a Saturday morning after the cast have just had the biggest night out of their lives, and having to line them up in order who was the most drunk, like some hilarious mock-poster of the Usual Suspects as they all fall over and vomit on each other.
Well, trying to rank the main players in House Of Cards by who is the most evil is a bit like that. Sure, some (hey Doug!) have physically killed more people with their bare hands. And sure, some have done some pretty weird stuff (hey Frank, Clare and Meechum!) And suuuuuure some of them we literally have to pause every time they’re on screen to check with our boyfriend who the hell’s side they’re on now (hi Remy!) but it’s still pretty tough.
Nevertheless, as series 4 started on Netflix on 4 March (the whole series will be dumped at once, so you might wanna clear that weekend) we decided not to shy away from the challenge and give it a go.
OBVIOUSLY THIS CONTAINS ABOUT 3,967 SPOILERS UP TO THE END OF SEASON THREE.
Frank Underwood (Kevin Spacey)
OK, that one was pretty easy. Frank is at the heart of pretty much every evil thing in House Of Cards whether it’s doing it himself like pushing Zoe in front of a train, sanctioning it like the death of Rachel, or just setting everyone up like teeny tiny chess pieces to knock each other out while he sits back and taps his fist on the table. Come on, the man peed on his father’s grave.
Claire Underwood (Robin Wright)
Take away all the stuff that Frank did to make Claire’s life bad… pretty much everything else evil that Frank did was sanctioned and loved by Claire… with a cool, calm nod of her absolutely gorgeously coiffed head of course. We’re excited to see if, with her separation from Frank at the end of Season 3, the next series will allow her to be truly badass and leapfrog her husband. Oh, and she made Frank use that horrible rowing machine and everyone knows they suck… maybe she should be top already?
Doug Stamper (Michael Kelly)
It was all looking like Doug could have some kind of turnaround as he recovered from being bashed in the head with a rock. But as Doug got more and more bitter and then was ultimately accepted (kind of? Is he? We’re never quite sure of anything, are we?) back into Frank’s fold any redemption seemed to go down the drain. REMEMBER WHEN HE TURNED AROUND THE VAN PEOPLE?
Viktor Petrov (Lars Mikkelsen)
He’s the man who stood up to Frank, kissed Claire then got her fired and possibly even sanctioned the death of his own soldiers as a power play… Not to mention that whole thing where he locked up an LGBT activist. Viktor Petrov would’ve been a LOT higher on the list had he not been so damn… hot and alluring and we didn’t wish he’d grabbed us and kissed us instead. We’re thrilled to discover from the Season 4 trailer he’ll be back for loads more dastardly dealings.
Seth Grayson (Derek Cecil)
Seth has the potential to be as darkly terrifying as Doug – and his constant neediness and ambition makes him even more terrifying. But the fact that he also pales in comparison a bit and sometimes seems a bit rubbish makes him a bit less evil… mostly by accident.
Jackie Sharp (Molly Parker)
Despite every effort, Jackie seems to find herself constantly check-mated by Frank. But it’s not for a lack of trying. She’ll happily turn over mates for positions (remember the illegitimate daughter she exposed?) and actually get married because it looks good politically.
Remy Danton (Mahershala Ali)
We’re going to place Remy lower down in the pack, because sure, he’s part of the lobbying culture that probably destroys honest politics, but he is just SO pretty. And we love his on/off relationship with Jackie Sharp. And… to be honest, a LOT of the time we’re not quite sure where he stands anyway because he changes sides so often.
How Season Three Of House Of Cards ended…
The Underwoods are no more – Claire had enough of Frank and (at least seemed to) finally walk out on him. “Without me, you are nothing,” Frank shouts after her – but we get the feeling that’s not really the case.
Doug finally completed his movement to the dark side by turning that van around and killing Rachel.
Jackie abandoned Frank and threw her support behind his rival, Heather Dunbar - who Frank beat in the primary anyway.
What can we expect from Season Four of House Of Cards?
Judging by the trailer for this season, things aren't about to get any less dramatic. But of COURSE.
We have new cast members in the shape of Joel Kinnaman and Neve Campbell... and that's pretty much all we know about that.
There are several flashes of guns in the trailer and what looks like a crowd of people in peril, so it's safe to assume not everyone will make it to the end of the series.
Reporter Kate Baldwin doesn't look like she's going to be giving Frank much of a rest these season and it looks like a jailed Lucas Goodwin will also play a part... could Zoe Barnes be back to haunt the President?
Doug and Seth's battle to the death looks like it could actually... go to the death. It was only a matter of time, we guess.
Oh, and it looks like there'll be some more weird sex stuff in the oval office.
WE CANNOT WAIT WHY ARE THERE ONLY 24 HOURS IN THE DAY???