Let’s talk about Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea’s ‘Booty’ video, shall we?

This is what it’s come to, then, is it? Here’s Iggy Azalea and Jennifer Lopez, and they are wearing various increasingly high-cut leotards, and they are literally just shaking and touching their butts together like bumper cars. Like: Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda was essentially a prostate exam forced upon your eyes and bathed in neon, but at least it was smart. This is just Iggy Azalea — who was born when someone accidentally tried to 3D print a porn movie — rubbing butts with Jennifer Lopez, and they both look incredible, and they are occasionally splashed in oil, but, like: is this it? There’s a bit where Jennifer Lopez kneels on the floor and just thrusts, gooch-first, at the camera. Is this okay to even look at? “Booty,” Iggy Azalea is saying, while this is happening. “Booty.” There’s a bit where Jennifer Lopez applies lip balm because apparently she is using this platform to shill lip balm and still that’s not the most absurd part of the video. This video is like having an epileptic fit while watching an array of those VHSs your dad still keeps in his shed. A million Miley Cyrus’ are naked and running at you over the crest of a hill, naked and puce and delicate, wearing those Dr. Marten’s she wore in the Wrecking Ball video. Nicki Minaj is holding your head by the sides and slowly, powerfully, forcing it up her bum. Iggy Azalea and Jennifer Lopez have you stripped and tied to a bed, and they are both leaning down near your face, and they are just hissing. “BOOTY,” Iggy Azalea whispers. Jennifer Lopez licks you with a tongue like a snake. “BOOTY,” she says. This is the nightmare we live in now. This is the future, and it will not end until someone gets an orifice out and declares victory.