Posh bonking – or ponking as we will henceforth be calling it – is all the rage in SW1, the birthplace of Made In Chelsea.
If you’ve somehow managed to miss an entire seven series of it (and really, if you have actually missed an entire seven series then you must have just landed on Earth, in which case we welcome our new alien overlords, please do not probe our secret human areas too much, thanks), here’s a handy recap about who’s ponked who over the last three years.
Made In Chelsea New York: everything you need to know about the cast
1 of 9Spencer Matthews
Archetypal bad boy with an eye for the laydeez. Has boffed, porked and sweated his way around London, causing mayhem for around 75% of the female population. Once accidentally had his penis touched by a dude during a threesome and wasn’t into it at all. Got caught up in an orgy with Alex Mytton during the last season, unleashing hell on Alex’s then-girlfriend Binky Felstead. Has a propensity for looking extremely smug while d**king over one of his friends. Is possibly a psychopath but hasn’t done any murders. Yet. Ponked: Louise Thompson, Caggie Dunlop, Lucy Watson, Funda Onal, Sophia Sassoon, possibly Stephanie Pratt, possibly the Queen.
2 of 9Binky Felstead
Overly extensioned daughter of Chelsea’s very own Oracle, Mummy Felstead (otherwise known as Jane) who spent most of the last series in tears at ex Alex’s sexploits. Used to be thick as thieves with Cheska Hull and Ollie Locke, now seems to have jettisoned them in favour of housemate Fran Newman-Young.Ponked: Alex Mytton, obvs. One-time boss Richard Dinah. Had semi-things with both Spencer and Jamie. Who hasn’t?□
3 of 9Jamie Laing
Perpetual child/Labrador hybrid stuck inside a man’s body. Runs a company producing sweets and uses every opportunity on the show to plug it. Has a penchant for declaring his love to women he’s only just met, then going off them quicker than a round of Camembert left out in the sun. Most likely to be found desperately trying to stop best mate Spenny from stealing his girls.□□Ponked: Lucy Watson, Tara Keeney, Gabriella Ellis. Has declared love to Rosie Fortescue, Louise Thompson, Kimberley Garner…
4 of 9Lucy Watson
Prima donna bitch who gives excellent face. Whenever you need a rolled eye or especially cutting comment, Lucy’s straight in there to dish it out. Made her debut by telling everyone to get out of her grill but has just about managed to restore her street cred. Has fallen out with pretty much every female character on the show and caused much dramz between Spencer and Jamie.□Ponked: Spencer. Jamie. Kinda hooked up with Andy Jordan for a bit. Lived with Stevie Johnson but kept him as more of a pet than anything else.
5 of 9Louise Thompson
Tiny posho with the world’s second-most annoying voice (first place goes to her younger brother, Sam). Spent most of the preceding series crying over boys but seemed to grow a backbone in the last one. Was rumoured to have slept over at a certain boyband member’s house – name rhymes with Kyle Noran, if we recall – but we can’t talk about that BECAUSE OUR LAWYERS MIGHT BE READING.Ponked: Spencer. Maybe Jamie. Andy Jordan. Maybe Kyle Noran.
6 of 9Mark-Francis Vandelli
The undisputed king of Chelsea who always has a beautiful folded pocket square tucked into his Italian linen suit. We once saw him in shorts and it BLEW. OUR. MINDS. Has a loyal housekeeper who follows him around with vintage champagne and fine silverware. Looks quite at home on a private helicopter. Doesn’t trust horses. Enjoys prolonged bitching sessions with Skeletor/Victoria Baker-Harber. Has an actual Russian princess as his MUM. Ponked: No-one on the show, as yet, but was spotted canoodling with a mystery gentleman earlier in the summer.
7 of 9Sam Thompson
Stereotypical annoying little brother of Louise, thinks he’s god’s gift but really isn’t. Has an unfortunately high incidence rate of inserting his foot into his mouth around attractive lady-people. Once made Fran a mix tape with a topless picture of himself in an attempt to woo her. It didn’t work.Ponked: Precisely no-one.
8 of 9Victoria Baker-Harber
Terrifying Skeletor impersonator and backer of the Let’s Hunt Peasants political party whose designer handbag has been surgically grafted onto the crook of her elbow. Once called Cheska Hull a “f***ing fat turkey” in probably the best MIC fight ever. Ponked: Pur-lease, as if VBH would ever lower herself to anything so vulgar as shagging.
9 of 9Alex Mytton
Mittens, as he’s sometimes known (or ‘d**khead’ if you’re feeling uncharitable) is basically the worst. Not only did he cheat on Binky multiple times with multiple people, he also got embroiled in an orgy with Spencer WHICH HE THEN LIED ABOUT. There’s no word yet on whether he and Binky will still be together in New York, but here’s hoping she’s finally come to her senses and dumped him. Ponked: Your mum.