Made In Chelsea recap: Series 8 Episode 1, featuring ALL THE FALLOUT from New York!

We open with a quick reminder of all the shizzle that went down in Series 7. Remember that time Spencer Matthews got a glass of water chucked in his face after Binky Felstead found out he'd helped her ex Alex Mytton organise an orgy? Yeah, so we do. Here's a visual prompt, just in case you'd forgotten.

WOAH. We're not even three minutes into the new season and already the nip-count has skyrocketed. Here's Andy Jordan (yes, he's BACK) stripped to the waist for no discernible reason. He's in Devon just doing some surfing, eating some cream teas and, er, whatever else they do in Devon. BFFs Stevie Johnson and Lucy Watson are there too, as is his ex Louise Thompson. Why? Did they spend all their money in New York and have to staycation instead of heading abroad for their holibobs?

Yay, it's Mark Francis Vandelli! And OBVIOUSLY he's wearing a pocket square - the sun's over the yardarm, you peasants. He's on the blower with Victoria Baker-Harber and they're having a chat about what they've each been up to this summer. She's been to Paris, Greece and Monaco whereas he ended up in Bodrum – "but on a yacht, of course, so that was alright". Amazing.

Little Sam Thompson and Toff are doing something strange involving wheels and poles... Nordic rollerskating? Possibly? Yeah. He's bemoaning the fact he's still single AND he doesn't have a job. He asks if she'd ever date him and she quickly says no. "No. No. No," was the exact quote. They agree Sam should try to get an internship with Jamie Laing, because the history of internships within the MIC family has DEFINITELY been 100% good for cast members' employment prospects.

Spencer Matthews is wearing virginal white and drinking a green tea. What the actual fudge? He tells orgy partner Alex that's he's a changed man - look, he's even got a Kenickie-style hair cut to prove it.

This screengrab is really messing with our sense of proportion, but it does look like Louise has finally outgrown that Shetland pony of hers.

But what's this? Two topless guys jogging on the beach right in front of Ouise and Binks? They couldn't be integral to the plot, could they?

Andy has a chat with Stevie and Lucy in which it emerges that Lucy is "basically a born-again virgin" and that she likes Proudlock still.

Toff, Jamie, Sam and Spenny are all playing tennis in the sun. It looks like something out of 1920s literature. Sam basically ends up begging Jamie for that internship and the gang make him be their ball boy for the rest of their match. CRINGE. Then Mittens turns up and, funny enough, apologises to Jamie for cracking onto his ex-girlfriend Tara Keeney earlier in the summer. This man has a LOT of lost ground to recover this series if he ever wants to redeem himself in heat's eyes.

Louise, Binky and Lucy have gathered around a cream tea in the depths of Devon to soothe the ills of New York, where Ouise and Lucy fell out majorly. Lucy can't stay nibbling tiny cakes for long, though - her baby sister's moving to Chelsea and need's Lucy's help to shift boxes through SW3.Just then, Andy and Stevie turn up, and the girls tell Andy about Louise's new lover. They realise Alik is just an American version of Andy, but instead of being called Nostrils we're going to nickname him Eyebrows.

It's suddenly night, because in Devon the sun doesn't give you any indication it's about to set. The remaining foursome are wondering whether Lucy left to go back to London because Proudlock's messaged her. Then there's a bit of mellowy flirting between Andy and Louise and she pats his head like he's a Labrador. You can tell he's sexually frustrated because he's peeled all the labels off his beer. Awks.

Oh look, it's the topless guys from the beach. They're clothed now, obvs. It's Will and Lonan and they're both personal trainers ("even though you don't have any muscles?"). Do we smell a potential plot line? Er, yah. The newbies start talking about how their gym equipment can make girls orgasm, but weirdly this doesn't make Lou and Binky run away screaming. It turns out that both of them know Alex from uni - Mittens was a bit of a cad and a bounder there too, it transpires - and Binky immediately seizes upon this nugget of information to stay in touch with the boys.

It's Lucy and Little Lucy! On first looks Tiffany doesn't seem to resemble her sibling at all, but when she talks they have the EXACT same speech patterns. They're out for a drink when - SURPRISE! - they run into Jamie, Spencer, Proudlock and Alex. Bit awk, that. Jamie apologises to Lucy for their brief fallout and Spencer's eyes linger somewhere over Tiffany's chest. Grim.

Alik has flown all the way from New York to be with his ladylove, Louise. There's something about this guy that gives us the creeps, but we can't work out what. Is it his overly earnest manner? His way of folding Louise into his armpit? Or just those Tower Bridge eyebrows? We'll get back to you.

London's a massive place, right? Several million people live there. Yet on this show the cast are always running into each other. This time it's exes Binky and Alex. She stops dead in her tracks then fumbles with her sunglasses while his quiff sags sadly to one side. He asks if they can be friends yet and she says no, then agrees to see him at Spenny's upcoming Saints And Sinners party anyway. COME ON BINKY - YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS.

Alik is totally baffled by the idea of a roast. "Is it outside? I swear it was outside," he booms, eyebrows all a-quiver. "Noooo," wails Ouise. "It's like, a Sunday roast?" This relationship is DOOMED, we tell you, DOOMED.

Andy walks in to Spencer doing something unspeakably graphic. OK, it's not that bad - he's just painting ("It looks like a... vagina?"), because he's a changed man now, remember? Andy tells him he looks like a Jean Paul Gaultier advert and Spenny concurs. Andy wants to talk about Louise and Alik again, despite not being THAT into her after they broke up last year. It feels weird seeing him and Spencer being friends again - like the planet has shifted on its axis and caused unimaginable damage to the state of nature.

Stevie has befriended a member of B*Witched, circa 1999. Oh no, sorry, that's Proudlock. They're walking Lucy's dog Digby, for some inexplicable reason. Proudlock admits he likes Lucy and thinks they should hang out "a bit", saying he "can't ignore there's something there". Who knew a dog walk could be so deep?

Imagine if you get to the Pearly Gates and this was the sight that greeted you. Yep, it's Spenny's pardy and he's ready to shake his tail feather(s).

Is that Clare Balding dressed as the Mask of Zorro? Nope, just Stevie. He's growing out his hair so he can take his place as the new Spencer. Except Lucy doesn't like it too long, so that's his plan foiled.

Andy comes to join Louise and Alik (awkward) and jokes that he felt "gutted" when he found out she was seeing someone (even more awkward). Except Alik, as an American, didn't understand the irony, so repeated "GUTTED?" back to him in his shouty voice (so awkward you'll just have to bite your whole arm off and use the dismembered limb to knock yourself out). Louise looks like the ground to hell could open up right now and she'd happily disappear down to it.

Proudlock and Lucy have an awkward encounter under the watchful eyes of a Weeping Angel. He tells her he "feels bad" that they kissed and he hadn't told Jamie, even though there was literally no need for him to tell Jamie because LUCY IS A PERSON NOT A POSSESSION. They agree to hang out more together, which in Chelsea-speak means they're going on a date. Yay?

NEXT TIME: "In the back of my head, I always thought there was something there for us," Andy tells Louise. "I felt the same way as well." GASP! What's Alik going to make of this? Tune in next Monday at 9pm over on E4 to find out!

OH LOOK AT THOSE SAD EYES. Biscuits is still hung up on Lucy, it would appear. Maybe he, Andy and Alex can start their own Lonely Hearts Club Band and pen sad songs about lost loves. Or maybe they'll just all try to sabotage their ex-girlfriends' new relationships. Welcome to Series 8!

Ah look, it's Will and Lonan and they've JUST spotted Mitten. This should be interesting. One of them - the one who doesn't look like Hugo Taylor from Series 1 - says they met Binky in Devon and insinuates revenge will be taken, one way or another.