Made In Chelsea recap: Series 8 Episode 2, featuring the emergence of Prucy!

The Bois are playing ruggers on Wimbledon Common, which is the poshest thing that has ever happened. We've never seen Proudlock run before – he moves like a gazelle that's been liquidised, heated and stirred into some smooth, smooth whisky. Before long, Jamie reckons it's time for a quick break. He gives his “new bitch” Sam Thompson a call and gets him to wobble on over with some sliced oranges. Asked by the rest of the gang if what he’s doing with Sam is, y’know, legal and all, Biscuits cries, “Yes! I pay him at least.” Yeah, that’s not the same thing at all.

Andy and Lucy are meeting to discuss his new song. Is he… does he want her to sing it? He's handed her a menu of what looks like song lyrics but she can't read it. Shame. They chat about his super-cringe convo with Alik last week and Andy confesses that Louise is basically, like, the one for him – he says he’d even marry her. WTF. Andy also asks Lucy about her dating Proudlock, but she keeps schtum about their impending date.

Binky’s continuing her charm offensive with new boy Will by telling him he’s “good at getting punched”. They are in the middle of a personal training session with lizard human Rosie Fortescue watching on unblinkingly. Will asks Binky if she wants to make this a “regular thing” and you can cut the sexual tension with a SEXY KNIFE. Lonan turns up and seemingly gives Rosie the once-over. Let’s hope he’s not a polygamist like the last one, eh?

Louise shows up to meet the girls wearing THE least-appropriate gym outfit EVER. We honestly had our heart in our mouth watching her tottering across those highly polished floorboards. Still, at least she doesn’t have too far to fall. Anyway, she regales Binky and Rosie with the story of When Andy Met Alik, in all its fist-biting awkwardness. They agree that Andy’s being super-weird – why would he have told Spencer he still had feelings for Ouise unless he wanted it to get back to her? Hmm. The game is afoot.

Alik is still insisting he’s not worried about Andy’s designs on his girlfriend while Jamie inspects his elbow. Sam is still holding a tray of sliced oranges at this point, with nowhere to put them – they’re in the middle of a giant field. “All I’m saying is he’s gotta keep his distance,” Alik yankees, as Sam looks briefly and confusedly conflicted.

Luckily, after a three-and-a-half-minute ad break, Sam’s feeling a lot better. He’s back in Jamie’s offices, and he’s about to make his big pitch to the boss. He’s brought Toff along with him, though the reasons aren’t entirely obvious. Is she his agent? His sounding board? His muse? “He’s bopping,” she whispers urgently to Biscuits as Sam does some dad-dancing to the strains of I Want Candy. Jamie’s brow is furrowed. Sam seems to have written out his entire presentation in terrible handwriting and he’s trying to sell the sushi sweet – “afterwards you can lick your delicious fishy fingers”. It’s a no from us, Sam.

Meanwhile, Binky, Lucy and mini-Watson – Tiffany to her friends – are shopping in London’s most sparsely stocked boutique. The owners of this shop might not be able to afford to buy in clothes, but they can at least stretch to champers for their star clients. Lucy tells the others about her conversation with Andy, then manages to accidently tell them about her date with Proudlock that very evening. DOH. She swears them to secrecy, pointing out that there’s NO WAY Prudders would be spilling the beans…

…But oh wait he’s doing EXACTLY THAT WITH STEVIE. Little Stevoid promises not to tell anyone, especially Jamie, even though he’s got to come up with a convincing excuse for Proudlock not coming to Alik’s drinks and OH GOD IT’S ALL STARTING TO UNRAVEL.

Excellent poker face, Stevie. Oh dear – they’re 10 minutes into their first drink and Jamie is already probing for details about Proudlock and Lucy’s current whereabouts. Something tells us this isn’t going to end in sunshine and rainbows for wee Biscuits.

Proudlock and Lucy are on their actual first date! Full marks to Prudders ordering a drink for Lucy, but couldn’t he have been a bit more gentlemanly and pulled out her chair for her? Anyway. It all gets slightly psychoanalyse-y when they both start talking about the “shutters” they pull down to keep other people out and OMG THEY’RE SOULMATES HEAT’S GOING TO BUY A HAT NOW YAY

Back at Alik’s drinks, Stevie’s just let slip a big ol’ secret that Louise was probably hoping he’d forgotten all about. “Yah, when Lou was in New York Andy said they’d been messaging a lot,” he blurted, as Ouise shifted uncomfortably in her seat and Alik’s eyebrows did a great Tower Bridge impression. Quick Binky – kick Stevie in the shin before he gobs about Prucy.

It’s all forgotten about after another ad break, and Sam and Toff join Louise and Alik for their touristy day out. Alik has just spaffed about £25 on some Union Jack tat and is loving life. Sam attempts to reach out for some male approval, telling him he considers him “a brother” and saying they’ve got a bromance going on. Weird. Alik says he “adores” Louise

Proudlock’s out for a drink with Stevie and Rosie and OOPS, Stevie’s just asked him about his date with Lucy. Just then, Binky and Lucy walk in and awkwardly seat themselves away from the rest of the gang. Eeeek. Lucy confesses that she now regrets agreeing to go on a second date with Prudders. Hang on – is our dream for Prucy already coming to an end? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *digs hat receipt out of the bin, blows tomato sauce and fish heads off it

Over in a suitably elegant champagne bar, Mark Francis Vandelli and Victoria Harber-Baker are meeting for a drink. MF’s on the phone to his chandelier agent and is chattering away in furious Italian about how he doesn’t want spotlights. Because UGH. “I don’t want my bullion fringe getting trapped in the suction pipe,” he hisses to her. They discuss what a peasant his interior designer is, and how GHASTLY pink whisper it loo paper can be. UGH, darlings, UGH. “Pine is not wood – it’s not even a fire wood. If I have to see that easyJet orange anywhere, I’d rather honestly live in a palace of MDF.” WE HEART YOU SO HARD, MARK FRANCIS.

Binky has just introduced new flame Will to Lucy as ‘Matt’. Matt, Binks? As in Jim Matt? GEDDIT? Oh come on, that was GOLD. Anyway, Will/Matt is dressed as an old-fashioned spy and has come to deliver Binky’s workout plan in person. Now that’s dedication.

Alik has apologised for getting weird about Louise and Andy’s textual relations. But they’ll be seeing each other at the polo tomorrow, so will it all be kicking off? Yes. heat can confidently predict that yes, there will be some to many kickings off.

Polo day. Ground zero. Rosie’s done a bit of kicking off by telling Andy that Alik’s on the warpath. This face was his reaction. Rosie tells him he need to “fix s**t up”. BEEF BEEF BEEF.

Over by the horse enclosure (NOTE: heat isn’t posh enough to know the technical term for it. Soz.), Mark Francis, Victoria and Sophie are being introduced to horse Bruno by his rider, George. Dishy George looks how Gary Busey would’ve looked before he started snorting coke off his dog. There’s a fair bit of flirtation directed at George from both MF and VHB, which could turn into a VERY interesting love triangle.

Proudlock and Lucy are FINALLY talking about their date, and Prudders is keen to set up another one. Lucy’s not, however – she reckons it felt “weird”. To get around this, Proudlock proposes they meet during the day, presumably because there’s not quite so many sexpectations on them during the sunlight hours. JUST BONE ALREADY, PRUCY.

“Do you like polo?” Nostrils is asking Louise. Somehow Alik has let her out of his sight for a second, and like a fancy elastic band she’s boinged right back to Andy’s side. “Well seeing as I got dumped by you at the polo last year, yah, I love polo!” she’s braying. Andy’s doing a great impression of an M&S Blue Harbour catalogue man. “When we were together we had a good relationship. I was very much in love with you and it was one of those… it had a future in it. And in the back of my head I thought there was something there for us,” he ventures. “I felt the same way as well,” says Ouise. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. “Obviously now I’ve found someone else, so. You snooze, you lose,” she adds. Oh.

Alik’s radar must have been melting down, because he’s tracked Louise down like a hawk. Andy’s actually doing the decent thing here and apologising for being a super-weirdo. “I ‘ppreciate that, man,” says Alik. Andy swears not to stand in their way and they basically sign a silent gentlemen’s agreement with their glasses.

Jamie’s watching Alik and Proudlock with something resembling hatred, if hatred could be packaged so cutely and blondly. He goes up to intern Sam and says he has something to tell him about his sister. “I overheard that Alik has cheated on Louise while he’s been in London.” Oh no :(((((((

NEXT TIME: Looks like Sam has told his big sis about Alik’s indiscretions – but can she really survive in another cheat-y relationship? And Lucy’s been kissing Proudlock again, but doesn’t realise he’s been hooking up with other people in the meantime. EUSH. Join us next Monday at 9pm on E4 for more Made In Chelsea gems.