Made In Chelsea recap: Series 8 Episode 3, featuring the REAL TRUTH about Alik Alfus cheating on Louise Thompson

Binky’s getting physical with definitely-a-personal-trainer-because-he-keeps-saying-he-is-even-though-we-haven’t-seen-any-of-his-qualifications man Will, but spends half the session collapsing into giggles while trying to perform a plank. MattWill’s not helping by joking about looking at her vagina. What a charmer, eh? Still, he’s an improvement on Alex Mytton at least. Let’s just hope he doesn’t try luring Binky into bed by ‘accidently’ popping a single bollock out of those tight, tight gym shorts.

Louise Thompson hasn’t yet heard those rumours about Alik Alfus cheating on her presumably, because they’re getting a drink in a swanky Chelsea pub. Binky comes to join them, all Stella McCartney sports-casual, all swishy long hair without a cubic centimetre of sweat on her brow. HOW. She tells them she does fancy Will (did he actually show her a bollock?) and Alik decides this is the time to leave them to catch up. On the way out he tells Ouise he loves her, prompting Binks to get out her ‘CHRIST is that a TESTICLE?’ face once again.

Rosie Fortescue’s never needed any mode of transport before, because she has special lizard feet that can walk her over any surface at a rapid pace. Despite this, she’s in a bike shop with Proudlock and Stevie Johnson choosing a Vespa. Why? Reasons unknown. The boys are discussing living together when their rental contracts come to an end and – hang on, they RENT?! We would dearly love to see their tenancy agreements. Maybe there’s a special clause prohibiting Spencer Matthews from spaffing all over the walls. Anyway – and Stevie’s giggling like a starry-eyed Fresher being picked to live with the cool kids in the second year.

Yay, Spencer’s back! He reckons Stevie’s becoming ‘edgy’, like a ‘little Proudlock’. “Still cruising around in boat shoes,” notes Andy Jordan, crushingly. Andy you’ve literally spend the last year inside a wetsuit, you CANNOT play the sartorial card just yet. Spenny asks him if he wants to live together and Andy chooses at that moment that he has to go and do something extremely urgent and BYE. Spencer’s left with Lucy, so obvs he starts grilling her on her date with Prudders. Ah, this is nice, isn’t it? Exes getting overly involved in each other’s love lives. LONG LIVE MIC.

Oh, here’s Ouise’s little bro Sam Thompson, and he looks sad. Like, ‘up all night worrying about war’ sad. He tells Lou that Alik got really drunk with Proudlock and hooked up with a lady. He’s doing that horrible thing where he’s so nervous and sad that he’s started smiling, which obviously isn’t the best facial expression to pull when you’re telling your sister about her cheating boyfriend. He clarifies that he doesn’t know if it’s true yet, but that hasn’t stopped him dropping a massive truth bomb.

Louise is completely in shock. Or is she? Actually, she remembers the night in question – and Alik getting a text the next morning from “the girl from last night”, which he totally shrugged off at the time. Le gasp! “Of course it’s true,” she says. “Out of all the examples of everybody that we know, when there’s been a rumour about someone cheating, what’s the probability that isn’t not going to be true?” With our maths hat on, Lou, we’re going to go with ‘zero’.

Jamie and Spenny are in a shop called Wolf & Badger, which we’d like to think was founded by an actual wolf and badger. The badger’s the accounts man – he’s got a tiny pair of half-moon spectacles and he’s concerned about the Tories’ plans for small businesses, whereas Wolf is all about the big picture. Wolf keeps telling Badger to chill out and stop sweating the small stuff. Little do they know Badger will be dead within the year thanks to an undiagnosed heart problem. Anyway, Spencer tells Jamie that Proudlock – Jamie’s actual, physical current flatmate – will soon be moving in with Stevie. Turns out Biscuits did not know that. “Ouch,” he states, his weirdly adult child’s face crumpled in pain. He’s concerned that he’s going to have to keep the light on to sleep, because he’s still actually five years old. Spencer drives the knife in further, saying Proudlock had Lucy over the other night. How did Jamie not know this?!

Mark Francis Vandelli and Victoria Baker-Harber are discussing the three things every distinguished person needs to know – “how to ride, how to ski and how to swim”. “I can never be with a boy who doesn’t know how to swim,” snarks Victoria. “You can’t even go on a yacht with someone who can’t swim,” points out Mark, sensibly. “Eugh, I had an ex who couldn’t swim – it was soo disgusting,” adds VBH. Ooh look, young Gary Busey George off of last week’s polo has come to join them! MF makes his excuses and slinks off to let George and Victoria do some old-fashioned courting… but it’s not going too well.

“What’s your modus operandi?” she asks. “My what? My murder weapon?” panics George, all flared eyes and startled reflexes. Oh god. Victoria is going to EAT HIM ALIVE and then brand his twitching remains “DISGUSTING”. “I speak Ancient Greek, Latin, French,” she drawls. Is this whole episode a posh version of Date My Mate? Will Victoria be taking a turn around the pianoforte before the day is out? “I can ride. I can ski. I showjump. I swim VERY well.” Jesus Christ she’s still going. “Oh really? Do you, er, doggy-paddle?” blurts George. “I don’t doggy anything,” VBH shoots back, her eyes ablaze. George lets out a strangled laugh. FFS Mark Francis, get back in this room before there’s an actual murder.

Stevie is proving himself extremely adept at ping-pong. Sadly that’s not on VBH’s list of desired accomplishments, so he’s basically wasting his time. Prudders and Lucy are there too, and Stevie is torturing them about their relationship. We find out that if either of them hooked up with someone else, the other would be well jel but wouldn’t actually say anything about it. Which definitely makes tonnes of sense. Yup.

Meanwhile, Alik is looking like he might’ve been stood up in that fancy restaurant – but no, Louise has just turned up, and she’s determined to have it straight out with him. Alik brands the hook-up rumours “horsest” and demands to know where Jamie “got his fking facts from”. He also claims it was just a joke anyway and starts shouting, then she storms out. More red flags than a Communist tea party if we’re honest, Lou.

Ouise and Binks are having a catch-up over a cup of tea. “That reaction just reeks of guilt,” Louise reckons. She also thinks he’d conveniently dreamed up a cover story just in case she ever confronted him about the rumours. “Louise, I trusted Alex and look where that got me,” fires back Binky. Good point well made, love.

Over at Candy Kittens HQ, Jamie’s wearing the camo top Spencer made him put back in that badger shop. Cheeky. Alik comes storming in through the door without knocking, which is pretty rude really. Not terribly English, old chap. Just not cricket. He’s here to talk about Hook-up Gate, which Biscuits notes probably was a bit of a weird thing to joke about. “It’s not a weird thing to joke about!” Alik thunders. “You know how boys talk – they talk about pussy, they talk about all this st. You created a clusterfk!” We’ve gotta hand it to him, Alik is far and away the best swearer on MIC.

Andy bumps into Lucy in the street. She’s hungover because she’s been out drinking with Proudlock and Stevie – and yep, she’s snogged Prudders again. Andy gets her to admit she’s actually really into Proudlock, which almost always means there’s going to be a very painful moment for her sometime in the not-too-distant future.

Yeah, sure enough, Andy drops his truth bomb. “You know Proudlock is hooking up with other girls, right? Like, the night before last?” Poor Lucy. Her Ice Queen persona doesn’t let any emotions through, but you can bet your ass she’s sobbing inside.

Spenny and Biscuits are practising their follow-through at the driving range. That’s what you call it, isn’t it? The follow-through? Well anyway, Jamie’s not convinced by Alik’s ‘it was all a massive joke you humourless Brits’ story and reckons he’s lying to Louise.

Right now, Alik is just a huge pair of angry eyebrows stomping through SW3 to Louise’s door. He’s apologising for being “scary and aggressive” and says Jamie’s on his side too. Er, really? He also swears he would never cheat on her and begs her to trust him. All we can think about is how sweaty he must get in that leather jacket. At least it’s wipe-clean.

The gang are at a garden party in the grounds of Tylney Hall. It’s just so typically English – Toff’s playing lawn tennis in her heels, Stevie’s wearing the getup of a chimney sweep in his Sunday best, and Spencer’s trying to get Sophie to describe him in German. This is EXACTLY what the Queen’s garden parties are like, we bet.

Andy knows exactly how to cheer Lucy up – tell her how little she means to Proudlock. We get it Andy, he’s just not that into her, but couldn’t you have softened the blow a bit?

Mini-Watson – Lucy’s little sister Tiffany – shows up and we learn that Sam Thompson can never go to her house because he’s terrified of Lucy. Hahahahahahahahaaa.

For some unfathomable reason, Binky is wearing an actual bridemaid dress to play croquet with Will. It’s working though, as he asks her out on a date. This means no more vagina chat, OK Will?

Proudlock has just come out with ANOTHER truth bomb – he’s not looking for a girlfriend right now. No-one seems to have told Lucy this yet though, so… might want to consider that, Prudders.

Ouise is confronting Jamie about those Alik hook-up rumours and he’s saying he still doesn’t believe her boyfriend’s cover story. “But don’t let my opinion change you,” he adds. Proudlock wanders over to throw in his two cents worth, and promises Louise that Jamie just got the wrong end of the stick. Something about his timeline doesn’t add up though, and Jamie’s frantically doing the maths in his head to prove it.

Ouise totters off satisfied – for now – that Alik’s just been painted in a bad light. But the two Bois, Jamie and Proudlock, have a lot of ground to make up – especially as Proudlock has already promised Stevie that they’ll live together, without discussing it with Biscuits. Jamie says he no longer trusts Prudders and thinks he and Alik are definitely covering things up. Aww…

NEXT WEEK ON MIC: Jamie is genuinely facing homelessness (except he’s really, really not), Will takes Binky to see some big fish, and Louise and Alik have a big old showdown about this mystery text. See you next Monday at 9pm on E4!