The two main orgy culprits, Spenny and Alex, meet on the streets. Now, for most of us who had just seen our close mate's O-face in brilliant, glaring 3D technicolour, this could have been a pretty awkward encounter. Perhaps Mytton is now regarding watching Spencer perform formerly illegal sexual acts in close proximity, because he's pretty cheesed off. He has a go at Spenny for telling Jamie about their romp, therefore allowing it get back to Binks. Um. Pot, kettle, black, Alex?

This is the face of a man who's just had a #tbt moment to Spencer Matthews' money shot. Haunting

Ignoring all rules of social convention, Rosie Fortescue is wearing a hat indoors. What will Debrett's have to say about this? The gels - Rosie, Louise Thompson and Lucy - are all round Binky's to dissect the latest in Alex's sexual history. Binky apologises to Lucy for not believing the rumours and even Louise pipes up to semi-grovel to Lucy, who looks like a cat drowning in cream

Jamie is struggling to keep up with Proudlock in the gym. Defeated by what looks to be no more than a 10kg weight, Biscuit decides to burn calories by chatting instead. He tells Proudlock he thinks Riley's "cute" and reckons she's his intern as well as Lucy's by dint of her working in the same office as him. Again: this sort of covers employment tribunal ground, Jamie

Sam meets up with an awkward-looking Riley to whine about his life some more. He's complaining about Spenny hooking up with "his" girl, Christiana, and brands him a dick before attempting to flirt with Riley. She quickly tells him Stevie is on his way, which is the verbal equivalent of unleashing a large Rottweiler from its kennel, putting a can of mace in her handbag and signalling the Army to move in with their water cannon

Toff wanders into a beauty salon where Stephanie just happens to be having her nails done. They both complain about the talent on offer in London. "I thought about English men and I thought, 'fairytale, fairytale, fairytale'. And it's not like that. Are there any good guys left?" Stepanie asks plaintively. Soz, Steph - we have an annual round-up of good guys and keep them imprisoned in caves deep in the heart of the English countryside, where they're only let out once a year by order of the Queen

Binky still thinks she needs to meet with Alex for closure, but Louise and Lucy are in agreement that that would be an unwise move. They promise to keep her busy so she's not tempted to get back with Mytton, who - lest we forget - cheated on her FIVE separate times and may or may not have done things to, around and nead Spencer Matthews' penis. Dang, Binkers - what could be more offputting in a man?

Spenny, in the absence of any kind of social interaction from people he hasn't put his penis near, decides to take Christiana our on a date. She reveals that she thought he was a lot older than he actually is. "Isn't he, like, 30?" she asks out loud. Who is she asking? Is she wearing an earpiece? "No, I'm not 30. It's kind of annoying," replies Spencer, who is kind of annoyed. #Datechat

Andy and Stevie show up at the bar. Is that...a little frisson between Stevie and Steph? She does a terrible impression of him and he agrees to be her tour guide, telling her he's got a few things he'd like to show her. EVERYONE at that table is clearly going FNAR FNAR FNAR in their heads, but to their credit, they keep it to themselves

And then Andy does this face and we REALLY want the wind to change right now

Mark Francis and Rosie are looking round a vintage car showroom, because Mark Francis. Obvs. She, owlishly and unblinking, informs him that one of the cars matches his outfit. OF COURSE IT DOES ROSIE, HE DID THAT DELIBERATELY YOU GREAT LIZARDLY FOOL. "A tobacco interior has always worked for me," he purrs. So why does he need a car? "I'm not going to be driving myself around London, sweating and honking my horn around Chelsea. Ugh! No, this is just for the south of France." Ah, of course. Our other car is for the SoF too, MF.

Toff shows up to see Sam and tells him Spencer took Christiana on a date last night. She reminds us of a teaspoon. Or an alien. We can't really concentrate on what she's saying because the proportions of her face are just so bizarre. We... we have to draw this girl

Mark Francis has DRIVING GLOVES and he handles mini roundabouts like a pro. Well, like a pro footballer with 12 points on his licence, anyway. Rosie loses her hat in the wind and Mark Frances actually GIGGLES. This is amazing. E4, we've been leaving messages about Mark Francis getting his own TV show for a while now and you haven't got back to us, is everything OK? Are your lines down again? Didn't you get your fruit basket in the post? We carved Mark Francis' likness into the apples, just for you. Call us

Lucy and Riley meet for a business chat and Jamie, like a bloodhound, sniffes them out and joins them. He has a little flirt with Riley (even though we make it roughly 22 weeks since he was badgering Lucy for a ride in his horse-drawn carriage) and promises to call her later, even though he doesn't yet have her number. Stephanie comes in to admit she's got a little crush on Stevie and Jamie encourages her to go for it our of nothing but the goodness of his heard - certainly not because that would leave the way clear for him and Riley

Binky, against the collective wisdom of the gels, goes to meet Alex along the Embankment of Woe. He tells her he's so "fking sorry about this from the bottom of my heart"."I was a coward. I know I'm capable of changing. I'm willing to do anything. I was sucked into a world I didn't know and I didn't fking like it. All I want is you and I'll fking fight for it. We're fking amazing together", he continues, proving why posh people shouldn't be allowed to swear."You should have thought about it before putting your dick in other people. I can't do this," Binks shoots back before marching away smartly, leaving Alex snivelling by the river.

Louise has a go at Spencer for disrespectin' her bruvver, or something. He claims not to care, actually, that Sam had set his cap at Christiana first. "Well f**k you, then," Louise retorts as she storms out the pub. "Okay, cool," he replies, downing the dregs of his drink. He seems to be doing a lot of that lately. Whole lotta dreg-drinkin'.

All aboard Stevie's tour of London, featuring all the big sights! Yes, ladies and gentleman, the first stop is going to be, er, this single rooftop. Steph reveals that pretending not to know London was a big ploy to drag Stevie away from the group and get him alone, like what a lion does to a sickly gazelle.Stevie, looking more and more like a Head Boy every day, tells Steph he's single at the moment and reckons she's quite hot. They then snog on said rooftop and Stevie looks really pleased with himself. Y'know Ste, if you're going to enter the glamorous career of tour guiding, you're going to have to cut out all the snogging. Or at least open it up to the tourists who are going to be paying you 14 quid for a trip around the capital.

The lads, sans Spenny and Proudlock, are bowling together. They're plotting a picnic, it's going to have everything; "tables, food, strawberries". Wow, what a spread. Spencer shows up for a "chat". Menacing. He apologises to Sam for treading on his toes then Jamie tells him he's selfish. Spenny said Jamie violated his trust for telling Lucy about Orgygate. Everyone is pissed off with everyone else. No one is using the bowling lane. They're going to want to shut up and bowl unless they want the scoring machine to get all messed up, cos that'll take ages to sort out and in the meantime the barriers will automatically go down again and someone will have to go and get a member of staff to put them up again and UGH.

Stevie tells Andy about kissing Stephanie earlier and you can SEE Sam's face in the background suddenly light up. Will he use this information for nefarious purposes, like he's just seen Jamie do to Spencer? Or will he practice what he preaches and back his bois to the hilt? We're going to stick a tenner on the first option

It's picnic time, and true to Jamie's promise, there are actually tables and food. Good work, Biscuits! There's also this weird throwing game, which girls are trying to persuade Mark Francis to play. "I don't play many sports, no," he states calmly, statesman-like. "Certainly none that involve throwing horse shoes. Or any shoes for that matter." God we LOVE you, Mark Francis

Yep, we called it - Sam tells Riley abour Stevie snogging Steph earlier, "because we're such good mates now." Sure, sure, Sam. That's why. "I don't seem like such a bad bet now, do I?! Hahaha, they alllll say no to Sam." Realising what he said could be construed as "quite rapey", he trailes off. Riley's face falls. Is this the end of Stiley? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO :(((((

Spencer, with Christiana in tow, glides over to Binky to swarm his way back into her affections, but she's having NONE of it. "Do you not feel sick about how rank you're being to everyone? You've been a s**t friend," she tells him. His response? "Cool. Enjoy your day." This man is the epitome of smugness. Our of shot, we assume he downs the dregs of a champagne bottle while smirking

Jamie fancies his chances with Riley now the coast is clear, so after hustling Lucy off with the premise of getting a drink, he asks Riley out for, er, a drink. She questions whether this is wise given that Jamie was proclaiming his undying love to Lucy mere months ago but he does that thing only Jamie can do, and before long she agrees. We can't see this ending well either, tbh

NEXT TIME: Thar she blows, Riley has walked right into Jamie's web and gets Stevie well and truly out of her system, but how is this going to go down with big boss Lucy? heat prediction: not very well. Binks is still not over Mytton and it looks like this could cause a schism with the other gels. But why does she want ANYTHING to do with Alex after the way he treated her? Tune in next Monday at 10pm over on E4 to find out