Vicky Pattison on Judge Geordie: ‘We’re like Jeremy Kyle but more tolerable – he’s a tosser!’

Vicky Pattison’s new show Judge Geordie starts tonight and it looks AMAZING…


by Ellie Henman |
Published on

Vicky Pattison is probably our favourite Geordie in the whole world. She’s honest, witty and laugh out loud funny. So, when we found out she was making a new show – Judge Geordie – we were intrigued.

What would she be doing? It turns out Vicky, and her co-host Alex Cannon, have been working 18 hour days all over the UK solving the public’s problems.

But they aren’t average problems. Oh no. It turns out Vicky and Alex tackled some of the most challenging issues known to humankind – including feuding friends (there was a threesome apparently) and a secret drag queen. Interesting.

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    “I nearly got punched in the face by a seven foot ginger woman,” Vicky told us. “Filming was worse than I could ever imagine. I knew it was going to be hard, new show, brand new series – I knew it would be tough but no one could prepare us for this.”

    So, it’s a bit like a Jeremy Kyle road show? Yes, but in perfect Vicky style she admits: “It is a bit Jeremy Kyle. We’re like him but more tolerable – he’s a tosser isn’t he?”

    We’ll let you guys decide this one. Either way, we aren’t missing this.

    Judge Geordie starts tonight (3 June) at 9pm on MTV.

    Gallery

    Vicky Pattison's greatest moments

    Vicky anal bleaching1 of 13

    Vicky anal bleaching

    Only Vicky sees that anal bleaching is daft “I’m just here to offer my support,” she explains, brusque as Mary Poppins, while Charlotte squeezes her hands tightly and tries not to think about having the better part of bottle of Toilet Duck shoved up her bumhole.

    Vicky Ricci proposal2 of 13

    Vicky Ricci proposal

    Vicky gets a plane proposal While it lasted, Vicky and Ricci’s love was hotter than a kebab that had been left out in the sun. They were a modern day Burton/Taylor, or, for our older readers, Same Difference. And because subtlety is for goons, Ricci asked her with a massive banner.

    Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 12.25.583 of 13

    Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 12.25.58

    Vicky attacks a girl with a shoe This wasn’t great, but then who hasn’t looked at their heels and thought “I could really take someone out with these!”? We all went on a journey together, and learned violence never solves anything. Also, you’re less likely to lash out at someone when you’re wearing Converse.

    Vicky is a good friend4 of 13

    Vicky is a good friend

    Vicky is a good friend□ □We know Vicky does not ship Gaz and Chaz, to the point of being a metaphorical ship sinking iceberg. But she loves Charlotte enough to hang out in the loos with her and cuddle her when she has an early, regrettable intimate encounter with Mr Beadle. Little did Vicky know that Charlotte would be seeing more of Gaz’s underpants than the local launderette.

    Vicky learns Spanish5 of 13

    Vicky learns Spanish

    Vicky speaks Spanish.“All you've got to say when you're in Mexico is 'dos Jaegerbomb por favour' or 'dos vodka red bull por favour”. That is Vicky Pattison’s entire guide to Cancun.

    Vicky relationshipn counsellor6 of 13

    Vicky relationshipn counsellor

    Vicky is a relationship counselor It did not take our girl long to get frustrated with the Crosby/Beadle union, that was permanently threatening to come asunder. “Charlotte and Gaz are having another f**king argument about one of them pulling. In other shocking news water is wet.” She has such a lovely turn of phrase – we understand why she finds Shakespeare inspirational. "They're like Romeo and Juliet... if Romeo was a TWAT!" There you go.

    Vicky Gaz shag pad prophecy7 of 13

    Vicky Gaz shag pad prophecy

    Vicky thinks consistency is for idiots Vicky has always made it clear that to her, Gaz has less erotic appeal than a wet sack of kale with a face drawn on it. But eventually she got drunk and bored enough to drag him to the shag pad. Vicky is the patron saint of all our regrettable Christmas party conquests.

    Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 12.37.208 of 13

    Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 12.37.20

    Vicky looks good in green The slackers of Made In Chelsea might get offices and interns, but in the old days, La Pattison had to hustle for dollar while dressed as a giant Fruit Pastille.

    Vicky bus proposal9 of 13

    Vicky bus proposal

    Vicky is fun on bus journeys “I've had marriage proposals, I've had c*** in my face!” beamed Vicky, who was making the most out of the mass transit systems of Newcastle, Australia. At this point, the bus had not left the terminal.

    Vicky tashing on10 of 13

    Vicky tashing on

    No-one tashes on like Vicky She’s swapped more saliva than a sneaky boy trading used Panini stickers. Vicky’s got the oral skills of a snake. One that supplements its diet of eggs with other, more docile snakes.

    Vicky bake off11 of 13

    Vicky bake off

    Vicky ought to be on Bake Off "Has Gary got a chocolate c*** that I don't know about? Some sort of Battenburg bell***?" she mused, trying to figure out just what it is that leads an unprecedented number of women to the contents of Gaz’s trousers. Vicky needs to be in the next series of GBBO – we want to see Mary B dealing with this.

    Vicky sex face12 of 13

    Vicky sex face

    Vicky is a sex siren Vicky is so good at the old rumpy whoopsy dance that a leading ‘sexpert’ confirmed her ‘arrival’ face expresses mad raunch skillz. We were not surprised.

    Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 12.48.0513 of 13

    Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 12.48.05

    Vicky invented a new genre of reality telly – fourth dimension hyper reality All our Christmasses, and A Level theatre studies recollections, came at once, when Vicky smashed the fourth wall and went on a date with Kirk-Off-TOWIE. If she could only see her way clear to snogging Spencer Matthews, she might change ‘real’ life as we know it forever.

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