We hate to wish our lives away and all that, but thank HEAVENS the week's practically over. Not only do we have a whole two days without having to pretend to like Harriet from HR ahead of us, but it's almost time for another double dose of X Factor live shows. Hooray and hoorah.
Yup - after Spencer Sutherland and Talia Dean left the show last weekend, it's time for the contestants to step things up a notch for Viva Latino week. So we thought we'd get Simon Cowell's wildcards Jack & Joel on the blower to see how things are going with their rehearsals of Camila Cabello already-properly-iconic *Havana *mashed up with some Nicky Jam.
Oh, and we just had to test their Spanish skills. Obviously.
Oh HIYA, Jack and Joel. How are rehearsals going?
Jack: Up until yesterday, very good. Everyone's really excited about the song choice; we had a vision of four dancers dressed like Joel and four dancers dressed like me. It was quirky, cool and a nice modern spin on Cuban music.
Then Simon said he thought it was dreadful, saying he doesn't like the track the music producers have made at all. He doesn't like the creative with the four dancers and my pastel suit; so it's out of our hands at the moment.
He still wants us to do the song and sing it the way we sing it, he just isn't keen on everything else. The track's now been sent to a different producer to start from scratch.
Oh, bloody hell. So what does the ol' big boss want, then?
Jack: He wants it to be way more authentically Cuban, so an ode to how Cuban music began with the mariachi vibe. A real homage to it with no question it fits the Viva Latino theme.
So Simon's back this week, we take it?
Joel: We saw Simon yesterday and he's looking very healthy, so fingers crossed he should be all fine for this weekend.
Fab. What were his thoughts on your New Rules performance last week? Any feedback?
Joel: In Simon fashion he's not thinking about the past and is moving straight on to the future, but even though we're his wildcard act he's definitely looking out for us and has our best interests at heart. Otherwise he wouldn't go to this effort to get our performance right for this weekend.
Jack: Yeah, and no news is good news. Onwards and upwards. He's like 'I'm back, we'll sort stuff out.'
Right, now you two know each other pretty well. Can you give us one fact about the other person nobody knows about you yet?
Joel: Jack loves sauces, so he'll put mayo and HP Tutti Frutti brown sauce over everything.
Jack: It's the nicest thing ever. It's brown sauce with a fruity edge. I can't believe it's not more mainstream; it's a well-kept secret. This isn't product placement for them, but I wouldn't mind if they send a couple of free bottles my way.
Joel's got a very obsessive personality at times. If he's passionate about a project, he'll be up for 30 hours getting it right. But, if at any point in those 30 hours he goes off-track, that's it. You never hear of it again.
When he's on the off, I might as well go and join The Cutkelvins or Rak-Su. It's going to have to be Sean, Jack and Conor Price.
Now boys, since it's Viva Latino week - and you're ridiculously academic - we thought we'd test your Spanish skills.
Joel: Oh wow, we'll have a go. Ask away.
Our first word: el horno...
Joel: Isn't it oven?
YES. SÍ. CORRECT. Very impressive. Next: los calcetines...
Jack: Is it, like, joggers or trousers?
Nope. Think along the lines of accessories.
Joel: Gloves?
Nu-uh. Even more necessary than gloves...
Joel: Pants? It's a tie, isn't it?
Jack: A tie's not more necessary than gloves. Socks?
YAAAS.
Joel: Pretend we got that one...
That's at the editor's discretion, Joel. Third word: aprender...
Joel: To learn.
Sí. You're good at this. Our final word:
Jack: Something to do with a bathroom?
Maaaybe.
Jack: A sink? You're stressing me out here, can you give us a clue?
Um, you lie in it.
Jack: A bath.
HOORAH. University of Oxford alumni Jack and Joel are officially quite good at Spanish. Don;t forget to cancel ALL weekend plans and tune in to The X Factor this Saturday and Sunday on ITV. We can't remember the timings, but TV guides exist for a reason.