We’ve always wondered which lucky lady might be chosen to bear the name “Mrs Cowell”, and the recent news that Lauren Silverman has tamed the rampant beast that is Simon Cowell made us all kinds of gooey inside. Simon, 62, and Lauren, 44, who share seven-year-old son Eric, got engaged on Christmas Eve in their fave haunt of Barbados, and wedding plans are underway.
And oh, what a wedding it’s going to be. Cue wind chimes dream-like sound effects…
The prep
First things first, the venue. Of course, it’s bound to happen in Barbados, where Simon seems to spend most of his time these days. Steering clear of bikes after his unfortunate accident in 2020, Simon prefers to travel by jet ski, so we predict his Manliness will swoosh on to the beach on the back of one, hairy chest glinting in the sun, to where his bride will be waiting on the sand to betroth herself to him.
Of course, he’ll have already been on a wild stag do organised by the One Direction boys, who are certain to reunite for this special occasion. We can picture it now: Niall Horan will be lining up the Jägerbombs, Liam Payne will be hogging the karaoke, and romantic Harry Styles will be asking his old boss Simon for the full proposal story (maybe getting a few tips, since his romance with Olivia Wilde is still going strong).
His best man will, no doubt, be seven-year-old Eric. He’ll be asleep by 8pm on the stag do, but up at the crack of dawn on the wedding day. His speech will be a moving spoken word rendition of Baby Shark, and we imagine he’ll gift his father a new business idea as a wedding present.
CHECK OUT The X Factor novelty acts - where are they now?
X Factor novelty acts - where are they now? (slider)
Wagner then
You need to cast your mind back to 2010 to remember Wagner, the Brazilian pocket rocket who had us in stitches with his theatrical performances, while simultaneously covering our ears to block out the noise he was making with his mouth.
Wagner now
Wagner's comic appeal saw him finish sixth in the seventh series – a placing which irked top judge Simon no end. In 2012 he caused controversy when he had a baby with his then 20-year-old girlfriend Lydia – who's 36 years his junior.
Stevi Ritchie then
Resident joke act in 2014 was Stevi (he dropped the 'e' - pure edge) Ritchie, a fan of big songs and big vocals that verged on shouting a lot of the time. He went on to have a relationship with fellow 2014 contestant, Chloe Jasmine but definitely not for publicity or anything like that.
Stevi Ritchie now
Stevi has been busy showing off his killer new bod on Instagram after dropping over three stone in just eight weeks with a gruelling diet and exercise regime. Sadly, his romance with Chloe wasn't to last, but he did pop up in a selfie of hers on Insta a few years back.
Diva Fever then
Also from series seven and one of the only novelty acts to be mentored by Simon Cowell, Diva Fever were a camp-as-they-come party act made up of Craig and Josef. They made it to week two of the live shows before they were booted off.
Diva Fever now
Though it looks as though Diva Fever have officially disbanded, we're pleased to report that Josef and Craig are still pals and regularly celebrate Pride with their squad.
Johnny Robinson then
Series eight saw one of our all time FAVOURITE contestants take to the stage and blow away the judges - this time with Gary Barlow in the top spot – with his mega voice. Johnny Robinson was mentored by Louis Walsh in his over 25s category, and lasted until week five in the live shows.
Johnny Robinson now
Prior to his stint on The X Factor, Johnny performed as his drag alter ego, Sarah Lee, and in 2016 he reprised the role and released two singles, Eaten Alive and Deliver Me. In 2018, he gave an interview for The Sun's Back To Reality series, where he said he'd "rather bake a quiche" than find love.
Chico then
The original novelty act, Chico was mentored by Sharon Osbourne way back in 2005 for the second series of The X Factor, which was won by Shane Ward and was the first series anyone really paid attention to, anyway. His performances were crazy high energy, and one time he poured a glass of water over himself mid song.
Chico now
Chico went onto have some success with his single, It's Chico Time (erotic, hypnotic, exotic, that's for sure) and since then has launched his own fitness program and classes, Block 1. He suffered a stroke in 2018 following a blood clot on the brain, but quickly made a full recovery.
Jedward then
Another of Louis Walsh's bright ideas, Jedward were bound to win over the X Factor mainstay hailing from his native Ireland. They delivered consistently cringe-worthy productions with backing vocals – but still made it to week seven, because, as we've seen – the public love a novelty act.*sarcasm
Jedward now
This photo is from 2017, but let's be honest, Jedward haven't changed a bit, leading us to suspect they are in fact alien bots from the future sent to Earth for reasons so evil we couldn't possibly comprehend them. So far they're not doing a bad job of that, so we'll leave it there.
2Shoes then
In 2011, Essex-based duo 2Shoes won over Tulisa and took their place in the groups for series eight - but were pipped to the post by another girl group now known as Little Mix. Their infectious girly pop - and fondness of referring to each other as 'Shoe' – was cute, but got old quickly and they were eliminated in week one.
2Shoes now
SHUT UP! Far from having their confidence knocked from their time on X Factor, Charley and Lucy have continued to perform as 2Shoes, and have even released a fab cover of Ariana Grande's Thank U, Next on YouTube. Meanwhile, Charley is now a mum of two after announcing her first pregnancy during the live show rehearsals.
Rylan Clark then
Rylan had already starred on Signed By Katie Price when he auditioned for The X Factor with long, platinum blonde hair and a bizarre dance version of Des 'Ree's Kissing You in 2012. But he really cemented his future sleb status with his LEGENDARY breakdown at Nicole Scherzinger's house, after she told him he was going through to the live shows.
Rylan Clark now
It can be easy to forget about Rylan's humble beginnings, what with being a bona fide national treasure these days. He's worked on everything from Big Brother's Bit on the Side to the Eurovision spin off, You Decide. He's had a regular slot onThis Morning, stole the show on Celebrity Gogglebox alongside his mum Sandra and even filled the iconic shoes of Dale Winton in the reboot of Supermarket Sweep. In his personal life, he married policeman and Big Brother 14 housemate Dan Neal in 2015 but they split last year.
Same Difference then
Same Difference was made up of brother and sister Sean and Sarah Smith, and their brand of pop-meets-musical-theatre saw them sail through to third place under the mentorship of Simon Cowell – without falling into the bottom two ONCE during the live shows.
Same Difference now
Sean is still singing, most recently performing at the Weston-Super-Mare Pride event in August 2019, and he's still got Same Difference in his Twitter bio so he's clearly not even embarrassed about it. Meanwhile little sis Sarah has been popping out kids, and is now mum to two boys, Bertie and Barney. Cute.
Honey G then
It's unclear whether Honey G - real name Anna Georgette Gilford – was a parody character or just one of the most dedicated acts in X Factor history, but either way, the public certainly warmed to her polite rap persona and she placed fifth in 2016 under Sharon Osbourne, who returned to the show for that series.
Honey G now
Honey did actually sign to SyCo, Simon Cowell's record label, before Christmas of that year but was dropped after just four months when her single charted at no. 149 in the UK charts – one of the lowest performing X Factor singles of all time. In 2017, she went on to star on Channel 5 make-under series 100% Hotter (dubbed "the most judgemental show on TV" by critics) where she was stripped of her hat and sunglasses.
Look! More news!
Victoria Beckham's wedding bust-up: who's threatening to ruin Brooklyn's big day?
Lisa Armstrong's dream wedding - how she swapped heartbreak for happy ever after
The ceremony
The bride will look spectacular in some designer gown, while Simon will don a high-waisted trouser suit with a daringly low neck – or maybe just opt for his trusty jeans. David Walliams and Amanda Holden will be Simon’s chief bridesmaids, naturally, followed by all his many, many ex-girlfriends. We’re picturing some sort of’80s peach puffball-sleeve situation, which Amanda will tailor to fit every curve of her body – and that David will still somehow look even more amazing in. Sinitta will probably just pick up some palm leaves to wear on the way to the ceremony.
Louis Walsh will be officiating. Simon will have tried to get Gary Barlow, but his passport will be out of date and Louis will have to step in last minute. He’ll bumble his way through the ceremony – à la Rowan Atkinson in Four Weddings And A Funeral – and something he says will piss off Sharon Osbourne in the congregation, who will throw a glass of water over him just like the old days. In turn, that will cause some sort of catfight between Sharon and Dannii Minogue, which Tulisa will have to break up – she is the Female Boss, after all.
The after-party
Simon’s a big-shot music mogul, so you can bet the reception is going to be, as the kids say, lit. Susan Boyle will provide the performance of a lifetime for Simon’s first dance, before Cheryl takes over to get the party started with a rousing rendition of all her fave hits. As the night progresses, the man with the voice, Peter Dickson, will introduce classic X Factor acts like Rachel Adedeji, Wagner and Jedward.
The cake will be vegan to suit Simon’s new healthy lifestyle, and as the night draws to a close, a helicopter will drop in to take him and Lauren to a mansion in a far-flung exotic location. Or Louis’ Dublin flat, if they’re unlucky.
The magnificent event (we’re thinking three days at least) will hopefully take Simon’s mind off his rumoured TV woes. It’s been reported his latest launch might well be axed after just one season. May we suggest a reality wedding show series instead?
Read more in the latest issue of heat magazine – OUT NOW.